Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the month “May, 2012”

CD 29 or 11dpo

I originally posted a long blog yesterday, but for some reason it did not save or post. So here’s round 2.

So the title says it all. Am I CD29 or am I 11dpo? Either way, at this point it does not matter much as my chart has been looking quite unimpressive for weeks:  My Fertility Friend Chart.  I still don’t feel like AF is coming as I have zero “normal” progesterone-induced PMS symptoms. I’ve had alot of twinges cramps in my ovary areas, which I think may be cysts or a single cyst. Either way, I’m definitely ready to move on to June & ovulate like a champ.

I was apprehensive about my OB/GYN appointment today, but it went moderately well. I’m learning to listen to my intuition more and really consciously think before making decisions. Decisions based on my heart and education rather than fear.

Long story short: a LAP with dye test may be in order for my future. This time frame will be determined by myself & hub. With my charts normally looking so perfect, coupled with nicely correlated OPK’s, he thinks {and deep down I do agree} my hormones are fine and not the reason pregnancy isn’t happening {or why my miscarriages happened}. The only way to know what’s happening in the ol’ ute and Fallopian tubes is to take a look. I’m apprehensive about all of this, but gave myself 2 months to think about it.

In the meantime, I need to remember to practice patience. This life I’m living and experiencing only happens once. I intend to enjoy the ride and really start slowing down, opening my eyes, and remembering the ends justifies the means.

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Finding My Own Path

I made a vlog this morning on one of my other websites discussing my feelings & thoughts about this cycle. I shared some insights, a few frustrations, a little confusion, and what i tentatively would like to do in the next week. A few hours later {and after some more introspection} I decided to get caught up on my daily fertility radio station passage for the day: Following Your Inner Guidance    It fit perfectly for what I am {and have been} going through on this “new” fertility journey.

I feel myself at an almost constant conflict between heart and mind, and I usually let my mind win. But fertility and my path to having a child isn’t an analytical procedure like a test I’d perform in the lab. My mindset as a scientist, by career, overshadows my feelings in my heart many times. If there is a problem, there’s a solution. Sometimes critical thinking and problem solving aren’t the answers to why i’m not pregnant. And I know for some of my friends, its difficult to give me advice because I am battling between what seems like 2 separate personalities. The mind-thinking part wants answers, wants to try everything to fix the problem, over-analyses everything, lives in fear. The heart-minded part of me, which listens to my intuition, is vastly different. And this is the part of my soul that I’m desperately trying to listen to and nurture more on this path. Its a Jekyll & Hyde type scenario happening inside me.

So for my friends who casually read this blog, please be patient with me. Please encourage me and support my decisions or my lack of decisions. It may not always make sense to you but i am learning as I go too. For my blog friends & TTCer followers, please listen to your heart. Accept modern medicine and all it can help you with, if you need it. But work on yourself first & make decisions with a sense of peace, not fear or desperation.

So, here are some key points & notes I took from the session:

Recognizing the difference between Fear or desperation-based decision making vs. Knowing or love-based decision making

Not being afraid to make decision based on how you feel deep in your heart.

Insight: follow your intuition.

Deciding from within, what your path is.

No one outside of you knows what’s best for you, only you do.

Finding a way to still the mind, and not make decisions based on fear, but rather listening to your heart and following your own fertility path.

Find stillness, look within, and you’ll be lead on your path.

CD21

*sigh*

CD21

I am in desperate need to revisit my mantras.

Things are not exactly going as I had planned this cycle. “Planned” isn’t exactly even the correct word….not going normally. Nothing about this cycle is typical as compared to basically every cycle I’ve had. I’m CD21 now and still haven’t confirmed ovulation. My signs & symptoms looked great – I even thought I was going to O early this month. I had 2 rounds of +opks [one group is pictured in a previous post], but still no distinct temp rise. 

Well, today I want to tell FF and my BBT to suck it.  Hopefully they will not be offended & will understand my annoyance and  disappointment. We can all regroup for my June cycle and make-up then.

Communication in a relationship

Redefining Fertility: Communication in your Relationship

I highly recommend this radio show segment for all those still TTC out there in blog land. Great tools and advice I know we can all use. Sometimes its just helpful to hear that others are going through the same things you are, and learn ways to cope.

Waiting to O…

I’ve been having a lot of highs and lows this cycle. More lows than anything. I’m ovulating really late in my cycle this time, which hasn’t happened in about a year. I also had some faker out + looking opk’s last weekend, but then my body did not ovulate. So here we are, a week later, a week wiser. FX (fingers crossed) today is really o-day. Here’s my opk progression from CD16 (top) until CD18 (bottom, today).

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Worth the Wait

I haven’t posted a blog entry in awhile, so I figured I was due. Today, I am CD16 and was reminded of my entire TTC / Fertility journey when a new friend and I had a massive discussion of our personal struggles with fertility. [ I don’t like the word “infertility” so I choose not to use it. ]
Back in 09 and 10 when my losses occurred, I wasn’t able to talk openly about them, let alone share my feelings about them with someone without bursting into tears. I held in all my pain and sorrow and cried every day. I was miserable and depressed for a very long time. I’ve come a long way since then, which I’m proud of, and I’ve learned you cannot bury your sadness without having negative effects in your future. No one should go through this journey of fertility alone.

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Today (and everyday) I’m thankful for my loved ones who support me, who listen, who understand, & who stand beside me during the good and bad.

Staying Positive

Last night while waiting for my DH to get home from work,I was watching some natural home births on YouTube. I found myself on more than one occasion saying, “Oh shit!”  That being said, I’ve become fascinated and really interested in natural childbirth ever since 2 my friends started reading a lot of childbirth books. (Some of these books are listed under my Recommendations tab on my homepage).  So I randomly text one of these friends after watching this particular video saying the “oh shit” comment to her. I get the best reply back from her: Speaking of oh shit…. [insert positive pregnancy test pic].  Talk about some good timing! She had just POAS as I text her….

So moral of this silly story is this: I’ve had 3 good TTCer friends become pregger in about a weeks span. This means God is good and He does hear prayers. Maybe my time isn’t exactly here yet, but its coming. Maybe our baby is waiting to come into our lives only when he or she feels the time is perfect.

Its so easy to get thrown off the path and lose your peace, strength, hope, positivity at the drop of a hat. Its easy to feel down when others gets their miracles and you don’t.  But negative thoughts and self doubts lead nowhere good. Give good karma and you’ll reap good karma.xx

CD10

Redefining the word ” Trying “

Redefining Fertility : Getting Pregnant Fast

Redefining Fertility : Stop Trying, Start Inviting

When I see “OTC” I think of over-the-counter.  When I see “TTC” I think of trying to conceive.  So when these two terms meet, do they become Over Trying to Conceive!?! Quite the opposite. In the 2nd link I listed about, a new term & outlook on fertility as a whole is defined:

OTC: Open to Conception

When asked, how long have you been trying to conceive as opposed to how long have you been open to conceiving, you really have an entirely different mannerism of answering. This made a lot of sense to me. Trying is such a burdensome word, its work, its tiresome, you can feel hopeless if you goal is not attained. You can feel like a failure. For an example in my life, I say my husband and I have been officially trying for 3 cycles (this is our 4th), but have hit our fertile window for 8 cycles (this being our 9th).

Now, if someone were to rephrase it as, How long have you and your husband been open to conceiving, I instantly feel different. I don’t feel as desperate or as bogged down with a timeline of MONTHS that have passed by. My honest answer would be, we’ve been open to conception since we got married in February, so this is our 4th cycle. This was a breakthrough for me.

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