Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the month “January, 2013”

Beautiful Moments

I’m sitting here on the couch drinking my hot tea. My castor oil pack is warming my tummy. I just came from a bath with some olive oil & baking soda, which helped soothe my dry skin. Sometimes I take a step back and wonder if all this is worth it? By now, my fertility tea, the castor oil, acupuncture, the maya massage, no caffeine, drinking only filtered water out of glass, wearing slippers when its cold (the list goes on) has all become such habit, such a part of everyday life that I tend to forget it all started with TTC. TTC has made me a much healthier, conscious person, if nothing else.

A friend of mine experienced a natural birth with her 3rd baby 3 weeks ago. I’ve been patiently awaiting the pictures or a video from the birth, since she hired a birth photographer. I was taken aback when, tonight, I saw her slideshow from her experience. I was brought to tears & immediately felt refreshed. In an instant, all the stress I had been dealing with today seemed to melt away. It became unimportant. I felt a closeness to my friend that I hadn’t felt before. As a woman, I felt proud and powerful. As a fellow ttc’er, I felt inspired and humbled. I felt connected.

I can’t say if I’ll have a natural birth, an epidural, be induced, or a c-section. I’d like to think I have the determination and power inside of me to have a natural birth. I think when you’ve fought for something for so many years, that you gain a certain wisdom and strength that not everybody has. The fire inside of me got ignited a little tonight.

So when I have these moments where I wonder, ‘is this all going to be worth it?’ I’m reassured that it will be. It’ll be worth every moment… God willing.

Advertisements

Never Give Up

This week while on my drive to my acupuncture session, I was listening to my “Wicked” cd in the car. Somehow this became a ritual for me anytime I make the drive to the city. Maybe its because it helps pass the time since it’s an hour drive, maybe it’s because it’s my favorite soundtrack to sing like a maniac to. I think when you’ve had pregnancy losses or are trying to conceive, the meanings of songs can take on a different light. Take a traditional love song for instance. Most people would hear the song & think about their spouse or loved one. I find myself singing the song to my spirit baby who is still out in the universe waiting for me, or to those I have lost. “Defying Gravity” is one of those songs.

This song is extremely empowering to me. It’s all about taking chances, listening to your heart, and going after what you want when you finally reach that turning point, despite the outcome. And isn’t that what TTC is all about? I believe it rings very true.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game (<— best part)
Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep

It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap
It’s time to try defying gravity
I think I’ll try defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down

I really like this second verse, about not accepting limitations that an outside person may bestow upon you. Not falling victim to labels about your infertility, or lab results. This cannot define who you are.

I’m through accepting limits because someone says they’re so (<— good, right?)
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try, I'll never know

There’s been times during this journey where I’ve felt very lonely. It’s difficult to feel isolated, not by choice, because you’re 31 and childless. It’s difficult to see everyone around you attaining fertility & having their healthy babies, while you’re still muddling through darkness. But just because I may feel alone, does not mean I cannot achieve my goal. I have not lost hope & know that nothing can hold me back from my dreams as long as I keep believing in myself. Yeah, that’s cheesy, but it’s true.

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky
As someone told me lately – everyone deserves a chance to fly
And if I’m flying solo
At least I’m flying free

This cycle I will close my eyes… and leap.

Rolling Right Along

This week sure has been a stressful one, but thankfully tomorrow is Sunday & the start of a new week.

I’ve been trying to eat better. I was doing really good about my healthy food choices, but this week it all went to hell. Despite being on birth control, I am fairly certain I did ovulate and am in my fake 2WW… thus the cravings and all-around grumpiness. Those low-dose BCP’s never have been strong enough to stop my ovaries from churning out eggs.

So after stuffing my face with sushi & ice cream this evening (it was actually only a little ice cream), I decided I needed to do a castor oil pack AND a detox bath. Sure, its mainly for fertility reasons, but if some of that salty sweetness I shoved in my face detoxes out, I won’t complain. What is making me sad is that my heating pad I use for the castor oil packs appears to be dying a slow death. And my favorite hot water bottle has also kicked the bucket! I think it has a hole in it somewhere. So sad. Any woman knows the hot water bottle is a miracle healer. I always said if the house was on fire, I would grab the hot water bottle.

I stop my birth control pills on Feb 4th, which is now only 2 1/2 weeks away, so I’m rolling right along.

M & M

I really like Mike & Molly. (The sitcom on CBS). I especially enjoy the show now that the couple is TTC. For those of you who don’t watch, its about a newly married couple in their 30’s, both on the heavy side & a lot of fun. A “real” couple.  He is a cop and she is a teacher. Anyways, when they started talking about trying to have a baby on the show, I knew I would be able to relate. Unlike most Hollywood movies & shows, I don’t think Mike & Molly will be miraculously pregnant after the first time they toss the birth control.  Molly is shown trying to choke down her tea, which she drinks now instead of coffee. They’ve kicked alcohol & fatty foods. They are even shown eating fish for breakfast to get their omega-3’s. This makes my heart warm & happy.

I know Mike & Molly are fictional characters, but I hope they don’t get pregnant right away. I hope the producers of the television show understand what infertility is really like & are ready to step outside the box a little, and show America. I feel like they need it.

At the end of the episode tonight, after all their decaffination and apple-eating, they broke down & pigged out. I did the exact same thing tonight. And it felt just as good.

Sometimes its ok to not be perfect. It doesn’t mean you’ve ruined everything you’ve been working toward. It just means you’re human.

 

 

A Month of Freedom from Fertility

My friend AF has come and gone & my box o’ fertility meds has arrived. I’ve neatly placed everything in my hall closet, in an ordered fashion. My closet aka My pharmacy. It makes me feel good to know I am nice & stocked up for my next cycle. One less thing to worry about.  I received a call today from a new nurse from my RE office, ensuring I was going forward with the February cycle, etc. I was surprised it was not my regular nurse, Jean, who called. I’ve built a nice relationship with her. When I returned the phone call, I inquired where Jean was, to make sure something bad didn’t happen to her. (You never know). Well, she has taken another job & left!

I felt my heart sink a little bit. I have a really hard time bonding with fellow medical professionals, but her & I had a special relationship. Turns out, the “new” nurse is actually the clinic’s IVF coordinator nurse and has 16 years experience. She assured me not to worry, she would take care of me. This made me feel alot better, though I will definitely miss her.

My husband is traveling a bit for work, and I miss him. During the day, it’s not bad because I try to keep myself occupied. But at nighttime, all I have is a stinky little dog & my cat to keep me company in bed. It’s rather sad & lonely, but I’m getting through it.

I have been trying my best to keep my mind calm & zen. The zen part… well it’s coming along. I am thankful I have this month of freedom. Freedom from the woes of fertility. It’s been quite nice to leave my thermometer in my night stand drawer and not set my early morning alarm. I’m trying to focus inward, doing some soul searching about my ever-changing path in this world.

Things will always pop-up that will rock the boat, challenge your patience, or knock you down off of your mountain… Yes, that same mountain you’ve been climbing and falling down for years. It’s just trying to find the stamina & strength to keep climbing.

 

 

 

 

Forward.

I’ve recovered from my slightly down, reflective state from yesterday. I’m now waiting for my husband to come home & grill me a cheeseburger. Mmm. AF is on the horizon, as the spotting started today. Also, the need for cheeseburgers usually means she’s coming soon.

On CD2 I’ll start the birth control pills again, for 1 month’s time. It is what it is. Not my favorite part of the cycle. Then we’ll start the lovenox, prednisone (this is a newbie) and the injectables. I’m glad that I won’t be on Menopur this cycle & that I’ll be starting with a low dose of Bravelle. My meds arrive in the mail in less than a week already. I always love getting packages in the mail, even if its full of needles.

My goal is to work on having more calm, zen time this month in preparation for the chaos ahead. My hubs will be working out of state for 3 weeks & I’ll have the alone time I need. I am planning to find a chiropractor in town and get adjusted at least once, as well as do the castor oil packs once AF is gone. I want to do everything I can to keep my blood flowing properly, since that is an ongoing issue.

Well, it’s dinner time. Always a highlight of my day…

Two-thousand thirteen

2012 brought a lot of memories for me. Some good, some bad.

Right after Christmas, my husband had to leave the state for work for a month unexpectantly. This was the first time we were apart for that long since we had been living together. A month later, my dad got very sick, but recovered & we got married…for me, this was the 2nd time. It seems like an extremely faint, yet lurking memory that I was ever even married previously. Its something that will haunt me forever I suppose. I started seeing new OB/GYN’s and together, we tried to start solving the puzzle of my infertility.

We enjoyed exploring our new city in springtime, I worked at the Farmer’s Market for the first time, and we visited with friends and family. My husband got promoted at work and we prayed spring would bring many more blessings.

The summer came quickly & a lot of new things were happening. We had an insanely stressful visit home to see family, followed by an upcoming move (again) and I had my first RE appointment. It was a bit of a whirlwind. I took Clomid for the first time ever & got surprisingly got pregnant…for the 3rd time. And for the 3rd time, it ended in an early loss. But I had hope.

It was a rocky end to the summer, but as autumn approached, things eventually got better. We both celebrated birthdays, carved pumpkins & visited more family and friends during the holiday season. I did my first injectable cycle.

The cycle wasn’t a success & we both knew we needed a break. Some time away. Just for us.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Our Christmas vacation / honeymoon was great. It was exactly what we needed & felt rejuvinated. We loved it. We visited more family, enjoyed Christmas with relatives, then got ready to say goodbye to 2012 as we settled back into “normal” life again.

Late night on New Year's Eve we got a call that my husband's cousin had been killed in a car accident. He had hit a tree and died. He was 22.

As we head into 2013, I have to be thankful & count my blessings. Things could have been a lot worse last year. Life was worse for a lot of people. I pray that God has big plans for me this year. I know that when God takes a life from this world, He creates a life. I pray & plead He creates a life within me.

Post Navigation