Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the month “March, 2013”

“I am enough” – Brené Brown on “The power of vulnerability”

Watch it. Thank me later. (xo Honor, thank you)

"I am enough" & Brené Brown, The power of vulnerability.

Change

A change needs to be made.  Not necessarily a physical change, although I do need a haircut, but an inward change. I’ve had a few friends who have been working hand-in-hand with me throughout this crazy cycle, keeping me sane, reassuring me, empathizing with me, etc.  I don’t know what I’d do without them. Especially when other outside support just isn’t there. This journey towards me having my baby may seem simple from the outside, but it’s not. It’s been anything but simple.  I thought it wouldn’t be bad, back 4 years ago, when I first put the tip of my toes into the pool of TTC… boy was I wrong. I would really give almost anything to go back to that place. Back before I was so hurt & was struggling on what seems like a daily basis to even function in a world filled with fertile women and their 2.5 babies. I recognize I am very jaded, deeply changed on a cellular level, and left feeling chronically “not enough” thanks to my inability to conceive.  I am being honest with myself and that isn’t easy either. My eyes have been opened many times throughout my life. I’ve seen the proverbial “light” several times and had my share of epiphanies.  I guess this is just another drop in the bucket of epiphanies. But this time, it’s darker. It’s darker because I feel like a lot is resting on this need to make a change within myself.  Like… my entire life happiness and success.

My acupuncturist, who has become a close friend and confidant, as well as a spiritual guide (if you will) said to me I need to love & accept myself (mind, body and soul) completely before my baby can comfortably come to me.  She’s right. If my future baby / spirit baby is anything like me, then I know he or she needs 100% self acceptance. I can show all the love in the world to my future baby’s soul, but can I show the same love to myself?  No, I can’t.

When you’re TTC I think its really natural to get down on yourself & have negative self talk.  “My uterus is broke,” “If only I would ovulate sooner,” “I need to lose weight before I can have a baby,” etc etc etc. How is this helpful in any way? I think we feel like we are less of a woman, wife, mother, etc if we aren’t able to have a baby. Even if there is zero pressure or negativity from our friends, husbands, etc. we still carry that burdon on our shoulders.  And do we really need extra baggage to carry on top of the insurmountable baggage we already carry? No.

My friend told me about this podcast / video from a woman named Brene Brown, who spoke on vulnerability and shame.  Talk about an eye opener. At the very end of the video, there was a picture of a woman’s chest and written on it in black ink was I Am Enough.

I don’t know where that feeling of not being worthy or feeling like you’re not enough comes from. But for me, I am determined to figure it out. I’m sure it’s going to be grueling and painful, and I know it wont happen overnight. But I am determined to travel deep within my psyche in order to make myself a better person. In turn, I do believe it will help me greatly along this TTC path, and help my one day baby love herself and be as strong as I know I am.

 

 

 

Finding Gratitude Every Day

When I started this blog last year, its purpose was to keep me grounded and staying positive, in the midst of this TTC path.  I’ve strayed from the path a bit here and there, gone off topic, bitched & moaned, etc. It’s my blog though, so I’m entitled to do that. Right?

Well, a friend of mine suggested I start a ‘Gratitude Journal’ to help me through the rough days along the way. Even if its something minute and almost silly to be thankful for, like stool softeners, write it down. (I’ll explain more later).  So I told her about my blog & how that was supposed to be its purpose.

I’m going back to basics, starting now. Let’s get back on track. It’s not always easy to see the silver lining of a tragic situation, but if you open your eyes and heart wide enough… you’ll see it.

Today, I am thankful for internet tv, miso ramen, modern technology, my heating pad, good friends, faith, being a woman, patience, my cat.

Goodbye

Tonight is the first night in 33 days I’m not laying down to do my lovenox shot. Tonight I’m not listening to the same song I’ve listening to for strength in over a month while I do my shot. I won’t be meditating much tonight. It’s more than sadness you feel when the end has arrived. It’s numbness & pain.  Emptiness. Depression even. It’s not just a physical loss, it’s an emotional and spiritual loss as well. I can tell you I’m not ready to let go. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. 

Pain

Today’s blessing is my husband. Let me take a step back.

We were set to have a casual dinner at my husband’s work friend and his wife’s house. We’ve been over there once before. They’re a lot younger than me but very nice. Very churchy and a little naive but good people. Anyways I didn’t want to go. It’s been a bit of tough week and I was hibernating at my house away from the world, trying to remain in a neutral, calm environment. But I reluctantly said we’d go. She (the wife) said some other friends were coming too. They live about 8 houses down from us and it was low key taco night… How bad could it be?

Bad.

This couple just had their baby right before Christmas. She’s cute but it’s not easy to be around new babies. Let alone young new parents who are clueless about anyone outside of themselves. We walked into the house and I see my friend and say hello and let her take my coat. And then it started. We looked in the kitchen a there were babies. Like 4 other babies. All the (young) couple there, who we had never met, had a baby and brought it.

They were everywhere. I immediately felt trapped and scared because I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.

Well it got worse and it got worse so fast. We chatted for a bit and and the husband said he’d introduce us to their friends. Immediately there is joking about the babies. “You didn’t get the memo to bring a baby?” “Where’s YOUR baby (laughter)” “we’ll you’re the only ones without a kid so you’re next!” “You didn’t come with a baby? I guess you had to leave (jokingly)!”

I lost it. I had to excuse myself and ran out the front door. I literally was having a panic attack and leaned against a car and cried. In the driveway. I was out there for probably 4 minutes but it seemed a longer time. I walked to the door and saw the girl I knew, the girl whose house it was. She walked to me and closed the door behind her. I told her I was sorry. I said we had been dealing with infertility and I didn’t know there would be so many babies and… Before I could say more she hugged me and said she was so sorry. And she should have warned me. Of course, she doesn’t know what were going through so it’s not her fault. Her friends who are strangers to us were extremely hurtful though. I didn’t learn a single persons name before I was being under attack. It was torture. I came back inside and washed my face and tried to keep it together.

That lasted about 10min on the couch with my husband. He was chatting with the husbands. But 2 babies were in there and the one little girl stared at me the entire time. I can’t do this.

Everyone got up to eat and I told my husband I couldn’t keep it together and I cried. I told them I was sorry and I had to leave. My husband got us dinner and listened to me cry. He comforted me and was by my side 100%. He was equally as upset with how the situation unfolded. It was like a giant knife into my heart and my soul. I don’t wish this journey on anyone. It is so fucked up and painful. But God please let people be more sensitive toward me. Because my heart cannot take much more. Just bless us, please.

pink or blue?

Today at the RE office when I sat down for my blood draw, the phlebotomist & I were making small talk about the weather, the weekend, etc. She’s a really sweet, older woman. And although she’s “new” to the office, I’ve already grown fond of her. Anyways, she remembers my preference for a butterfly when she draws my blood & I appreciate that. I am no wuss at all when it comes to needles, it’s just that being on blood thinners obviously makes me a little bleedy. With the old phlebotomist, I bled through my cotton ball and all over my coat twice. This hasn’t happened with the new lady, so I’m thankful for her.

So after she vampires my blood out of my vein she asks me, “pink or blue?” They had gotten new bandaid tape and I got to pick. “Pink!” I said. She wrapped me up and said, “So are you hoping for a girl?” It totally caught me off guard and I answered sort of sheepishly, stumbling over my words, “I just like pink…” lol I’m a girl, duh, I’m going to pick pink! But I guess they did that for good luck for the patients & just for a little fun. I thought that was a really cute idea. It brings a bit more humanity to the whole TTC with the RE process. The process can feel so scheduled and sterile that I can see how it can become monotonous, even to the employees at the clinic.

So thank you, phlebotomist-lady-whose-name-I-don’t-know-yet. You made me smile. And didn’t bruise my arm.

Til next time…

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