Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Pain

Today’s blessing is my husband. Let me take a step back.

We were set to have a casual dinner at my husband’s work friend and his wife’s house. We’ve been over there once before. They’re a lot younger than me but very nice. Very churchy and a little naive but good people. Anyways I didn’t want to go. It’s been a bit of tough week and I was hibernating at my house away from the world, trying to remain in a neutral, calm environment. But I reluctantly said we’d go. She (the wife) said some other friends were coming too. They live about 8 houses down from us and it was low key taco night… How bad could it be?

Bad.

This couple just had their baby right before Christmas. She’s cute but it’s not easy to be around new babies. Let alone young new parents who are clueless about anyone outside of themselves. We walked into the house and I see my friend and say hello and let her take my coat. And then it started. We looked in the kitchen a there were babies. Like 4 other babies. All the (young) couple there, who we had never met, had a baby and brought it.

They were everywhere. I immediately felt trapped and scared because I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.

Well it got worse and it got worse so fast. We chatted for a bit and and the husband said he’d introduce us to their friends. Immediately there is joking about the babies. “You didn’t get the memo to bring a baby?” “Where’s YOUR baby (laughter)” “we’ll you’re the only ones without a kid so you’re next!” “You didn’t come with a baby? I guess you had to leave (jokingly)!”

I lost it. I had to excuse myself and ran out the front door. I literally was having a panic attack and leaned against a car and cried. In the driveway. I was out there for probably 4 minutes but it seemed a longer time. I walked to the door and saw the girl I knew, the girl whose house it was. She walked to me and closed the door behind her. I told her I was sorry. I said we had been dealing with infertility and I didn’t know there would be so many babies and… Before I could say more she hugged me and said she was so sorry. And she should have warned me. Of course, she doesn’t know what were going through so it’s not her fault. Her friends who are strangers to us were extremely hurtful though. I didn’t learn a single persons name before I was being under attack. It was torture. I came back inside and washed my face and tried to keep it together.

That lasted about 10min on the couch with my husband. He was chatting with the husbands. But 2 babies were in there and the one little girl stared at me the entire time. I can’t do this.

Everyone got up to eat and I told my husband I couldn’t keep it together and I cried. I told them I was sorry and I had to leave. My husband got us dinner and listened to me cry. He comforted me and was by my side 100%. He was equally as upset with how the situation unfolded. It was like a giant knife into my heart and my soul. I don’t wish this journey on anyone. It is so fucked up and painful. But God please let people be more sensitive toward me. Because my heart cannot take much more. Just bless us, please.

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6 thoughts on “Pain

  1. Jen77777 on said:

    I’ve been there. Too many times. And it’s horrible. I am so sorry you had to go through that. You & G are still in my prayers. Don’t give up. Your little one is just around the corner. And what a blessing he/she will be!

  2. Oh my, that is so terrible. I am so sorry you had to go through that! It’d be hard enough just with so many babies, let alone with all the comments that felt like an attack. I totally would have left too. How sweet of the girl you knew to hug you though. One good thing about going through hard things is that it opens your eyes to others. Clearly these people are oblivious. Hugs.

  3. I’ve totally been there, and it’s the worst. I’m so sorry, please know you’re not alone! And having an awesome husband definitely helps! =)

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