Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the month “April, 2013”

Scratch That Itch, Baby

I was taking a bath this evening, relaxing & sweating like a whore in church. I guess technically it was a detox bath, but all my baths are detox baths then. Regardless, I usually never sweat. I know it’s from all the crap I’ve been shoving in my mouth lately, but I also hope it’s a sign AF is coming soon, and my body is ready to expel some nastiness. Once my beta reaches zero I cam properly detox and I cannot wait!

Although it’s been great not having a period for over 6 weeks, I’m ready to move past this ectopic. It seems like it ended a long time ago & physically I feel normal, but the weekly blood draws & being forbidden from taking all vitamins & folic acid is a friendly reminder. It’s become like this nagging itch in the middle of my back. You know, when you have to rub yourself on a wall corner like a weirdo to get relief? That’s it.

For those interested, I use a combo of epsom salts, baking soda and sometimes sea salt in my bath. I’ll add lavender essential oil when I have it, also.


She Walks a Fine Line

Knowing that your days of trying to conceive have been officially put on hold the week after Infertility Awareness Week walks a fine between fuc*ed up and ironic.

Technically, my fate was decided after my 2nd shot of methotrexate for this ectopic… that 6 month “waiting period” for your body to rebound from the nasty drug, to detox and to rebuild your folate stores. But on top of that, my husband won’t be around to make any babies for awhile.

It’s a feeling of sadness yet relief. Or should I say, a roller coaster of sadness followed by relief followed by sadness. You get the picture.

I’ve never felt so emotionally unstable & like a crazy person until I got pregnant the first time. I was never one to get PMS or feel moody ever in my life, but my God has that changed over the last 4 or so years. I can’t even imagine what menopause will be like…

So this waiting period will hopefully bring about time for self-healing and reflection, as well as open doors to what my future may hold. I’m still holding onto hope and planning for my one-day-baby, but keeping my heart a little more guarded.

Let’s Support One Another

As Infertility Awareness Week continues, I wanted to share a bit more helpful information I’ve been seeing with the community here. Resolve has posted links to the first batch of Bloggers Unite entries… And I am happy to see some familiar faces on the list. I think it’s very important that we not only support each other as a community, but learn from each other. Infertility is such a deep, twisted maze and finding answers can seem impossible at times. I know I can attest to the vast amount of knowledge I’ve gained from the blogs of others. I always say, you have to be your own health advocate. No one knows your body better than you.

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/2013-join-the-movement-blog-posts-page-1.html <— Here’s that link.

I challenge you to subscribe / follow just 1 new blogger today. Heck, or go crazy & follow ALL of them!

Dream a Dream

I had a playlist on my iPhone I would listen to nightly when I gave myself my lovenox shot this past cycle. The same “Spirit Baby” playlist from CD 10 and on. About halfway through the month, I added “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis to the list. I’ve always loved the song & with the recent release of the box office version, it popped back into my mind. But as soon as I added it, I knew it seemed a bit out of place. 
A week later I added “Come What May” from Moulin Rouge (…and because it happened to be on Glee). Hmm I should have picked up on the changing vibe then, but I didn’t. 
My songs I would sing to my spirit baby went a little dark. It was almost as if my subconscious could sense things were going south long before the storm. 
Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, my subconscious was indeed right. And my ectopic adventure began…

I blogged about the night I stopped listening to my playlist. It’s too fresh and painful to listen to it still. But the one song that I catch myself singing constantly is still I Dreamed a Dream. I always saw this baby as a girl, and these words never rang truer than now. 

“And still I dream she’ll come to me
That we will live the years together.
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather.
I had a dream my life would be
So much different from this hell I’m living.
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream…
I dreamed.”

JOIN THE MOVEMENT… Infertility Etiquette

Yesterday I spoke briefly on my own infertility journey & how to bring awareness to the disease.  Just like any other condition or illness, when people find out, they want to help & give advice.  And just like an obese person doesn’t need to be told to lose weight by a friend, an infertile person or couple doesn’t want to be told _____________ .

  • To Just Relax or go on a vacation

Although you mean well, anything along these lines isn’t really helpful. A couple isn’t even diagnosed as infertile until after a year or more of trying to conceive without having a baby. So telling someone that relaxation is the medication they need to conceive is usually offensive and minimizes their condition. 

  • Giving advice when you have no idea what you’re talking about

Ok, this sounds a little harsh. A better way to phrase it would be uneducated advice.  Any infertile woman or man knows that unless you have been through what they have been through, you cannot possibly understand.  Now that doesn’t mean you can’t sympathize or give great advice!  But please, do your homework first and ask us questions before you start delving out “advice.”

  • Don’t say “There are worst things that could happen”

Sure, we could all be hit by a car or drop dead tomorrow. That would be probably be worse. But minimzing the deep feelings & strong emotions of someone who just had a miscarriage or a stillborn baby is cruel. Any mother knows the immediate bond and unconditional love she has for her child. A woman who has had a miscarriage feels the same way, I promise you.  Imagine if all of your children died… you would never tell that mother “things could be worse.”

  • Don’t ask “Why haven’t you tried IVF or adoption or surrogacy”

While these are all amazing ways to grow your family, not every couple is ready for these steps.  Unfortunately many people are unaware of the immense costs for IVF, adoption or surrogacy, let alone that most health insurance does not cover these services.  IVF increases the risk of multiple pregnancies and will cost $15,000 or more on average. Surrogates typically get a flat fee of $20,000 plus the birth parents pay all medical costs.  And adoption varies greatly…but you’re looking at the same costs, plus your baby will not be genetically related to you & the birth parents can always pull out at the last minute causing extreme emotional trauma. 

  • Please, don’t complain about your pregnancy or your baby (or children)

Everyone needs to bitch & moan and we totally get that! But when you are aware your dear friend or family member is struggling to build their family, please watch your words when you complain about your pregnancy. As an infertile woman, I can tell you there is nothing in this world I would rather experience than a big belly, heartburn and morning sickness.  Imagine having a wonderful dream for years and years, and you see everyone around you attain that dream, yet you are left empty handed and hurt. That’s what infertility is.

Infertility is a pain that doesn’t subside. As a woman, It has changed me greatly. So what can you do to help?

  • Be encouraging, supportive, ask questions, take interest, support our decision, remember us on Mother’s Day!
  • And lastly, be a listening ear


Please, visit these website for more information:






JOIN THE MOVEMENT…Unsilence the Silence

Bloggers Unite

Bloggers Unite

If you look at me, I don’t look remarkable. I’m a plain 30-something, healthy & thin college educated married woman.

But I am infertile. I hate the word infertile. I would never label myself as infertile, but I think sometimes you need to use these “labels” to get people’s attentions. I am the face of multiple miscarriage & autoimmune disease. I don’t look sick, but I am.

Infertility isn’t a choice. It’s not an effect of my lifestyle. I was born this way. 1 out of every 8 couples {of reproductive age} suffer with infertility. There’s a very good chance that your close friends have struggled with infertility without you even knowing! That’s because there is such a stigma around the topic. And that needs to change. My husband and I suffer in silence, with only a few close friends being in our inner circle of knowing. People look at you different when you have a hard time conceiving, but they look even more uncomfortable when you tell them you’ve had 4 miscarriages. It’s a look that is a cross between pity and uncomfortable. Society feels these emotions of confusion because they are uneducated.

What everyone needs to understand is, like any other chronic condition or disease, infertility is something you suffer with, take medication for, see specialists for, and cry your eyes out about. My 22 year old brother was just diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes a few days ago… talk about a shock. But he and I are the same – we both have illnesses. The difference in society is his is recognized as legitimate & acceptable but mine is not.

Bearing a child is the greatest gift God can bestow upon you as a woman. For those of us who struggle and work years upon years to attain this joyful gift, and never do… there is no comfort to our hearts. Resolve is working to make our lives a little easier. To bring attention and funding to those couples or single women who need it most. And all we ask is that you listen with an open mind.

Please educate yourself by viewing the links listed below. Small steps lead to big changes.



Facing Mortality

Even from a young age, I’ve never been the type of person to think I was larger than life. Untouchable. Invincible.
I also know that I’m not your average person, so the way that I see the world is not typical.
Yesterday I got to taste of mortality. Of reality.
I got a call from my mom saying my little brother was in the hospital. Granted, he isn’t “little” anymore; he just turned 22 four days ago. He went in because he hadn’t been able to use the bathroom for 4 days, wasn’t really eating and was plain “looking like death,” according to my mom. Weak, sleep deprived and short of breath. Well the poor kid had a bowel obstruction. But the shocker of the story was his blood glucose was 408 & he was in ketoacidosis.
I was shocked.
Tomorrow will be his 3rd day in the hospital and they say he has Type 1 Diabetes. It makes me want to cry. I’m shocked I haven’t broke down yet. I just don’t want this for him. I don’t want him to live a life in pain or with chronic illness. I don’t want him to suffer.
On top of that news, my husband had his Will done the same day & it’s laying casually on my work desk…like a ticking time bomb.
Talk about looking mortality in the face. Suddenly, things in life can get a little too real. I went from being afraid for my own life a few weeks ago, thinking my Fallopian tube could burst & being scared shitless I could actually die, to dealing with my husband’s near future long term absence because of work & now my baby brother’s surprise life altering illness.
I like to be in control. Some would say that I am a control “freak.”  All of these events have been so out of my control that I catch myself holding my breath & panicking. Worrying. Praying.
Sometimes I just don’t know WHAT to do to make things better or easier. Not just easier for me, but for my family. I live a long distance from my & my husband’s family. In times like these you want your family close. But it’s just not an option for me. And sometimes… it kills me on the inside.
I feel so much guilt for being away from them and not being a positive presence in their lives. I feel like 8 years ago I abandoned them, in a way. (Though they would never think that way.)
Thank God for counseling. And thank God for God Himself.
The older I get, the more I find myself facing mortality. My prayers also go out to those hurt and killed in Boston. The world is a mad place. A friend of mine openly thanked God (on Facebook) that she wasn’t raising her child (she had a stillborn son 5-6 years ago) in a world like this today, full of terror. Is she right? I don’t want my child to suffer with inherited disease like my autoimmune problems, fertility trauma, heart disease, etc. or live in a world full of hate and fear. I said to myself, maybe she is onto something…
We can only take life lessons at face value and learn from them, and move forward. I do believe that out of every negative situation comes a positive. It is really difficult to see that silver lining around the cloud some days. Especially when it’s raining so hard. 

Resolve: Bloggers Unite – Do Your Part

Resolve: Bloggers Unite - Do Your Part

National Infertility Awareness week is coming up soon. If you aren’t familiar with “Resolve.org” I suggest you familiarize yourself because they are pretty awesome.

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html <— My laptop is being ridic and won't let me add a hyperlink!

Psycho Numbers

Do you ever look at the clock and it always seems to be a certain time?  I remember when I was little I would see 3:33 all the time. Like, obsessively. Granted, I am a tad OCD anyways. Well, I don’t see 3:33 anymore, but there have been these two numbers that I have been seeing everywhere for almost a year now.  I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out what these numbers may mean. Of course, as a TTCer, I think “Is this going to be a beta number? My conception date? A baby’s birthday?”

But then I was listening to a podcast a few weeks ago that sort of blew my mind. The speaker said sometimes we see a certain number or word repeatively and instead of obsessing over it’s possible meaning, just take it as a sign. So I pondered to myself, maybe by seeing these psycho recurring numbers, its simply a sign that God is with me. And I, being thick-headed and stubborn, just needed an obvious sign that HE is with me.  Then I decided to take it a step further.

Today, I have already seen these two numbers. And each time I did, I stopped and thought of something I was grateful for.  Little things like the nice weather, being alive, getting errands ran, being motivated.  I realized they don’t have to be giant life-changing events.  Its so easy to focus on the bad things that happen everyday that we forget about everything that actually went right.  Even if it’s as small as nothing caught on fire or blew up in the kitchen.

I know this is all part of my path to gratitude and joyful living.  And trust me – it is not easy. It’s a journey, just like trying to conceive. 

Follow You

Music has always played a big role in my life, mainly helping me in my “emotional” life.  Out of nowhere last week, the Death Cab for Cutie song “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” popped into my head.

Weird factoid – I love the word “embark.”

I fell in love with this song the minute I heard it.  It’s beautiful but dark. And like almost every song, it took on a different meaning after I had another pregnancy loss.  There’s a particular lyric I love that says, “If Heaven and Hell decide that they are both satified, illuminate the no’s on their on their vacancy signs. If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I’ll follow you into the dark.”

Some people argue that an early pregnancy loss isn’t a “baby” yet but we all know this is total bullshit. The soul of my babies are all with me & I love them all. I think it’s important for the souls of those we’ve lost to know we’re still with them, 100%. You don’t have to be physically with someone to be a part of their life. Love lasts forever. It lasts into the dark. It lasts forever.

I still don’t think I’ve completely or properly grieved my ectopic. I don’t know if it’s because my beta still hasn’t reach zero or what. Meanwhile, life has been a whirlwind, flying like a tornado around me. I feel lost in that tornado, spirling out of control. Feeling lost and alone.

I know I’ll find my way out of it soon.  I hope I can find my way out of it soon…




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