Music has always played a big role in my life, mainly helping me in my “emotional” life. Out of nowhere last week, the Death Cab for Cutie song “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” popped into my head.
Weird factoid – I love the word “embark.”
I fell in love with this song the minute I heard it. It’s beautiful but dark. And like almost every song, it took on a different meaning after I had another pregnancy loss. There’s a particular lyric I love that says, “If Heaven and Hell decide that they are both satified, illuminate the no’s on their on their vacancy signs. If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I’ll follow you into the dark.”
Some people argue that an early pregnancy loss isn’t a “baby” yet but we all know this is total bullshit. The soul of my babies are all with me & I love them all. I think it’s important for the souls of those we’ve lost to know we’re still with them, 100%. You don’t have to be physically with someone to be a part of their life. Love lasts forever. It lasts into the dark. It lasts forever.
I still don’t think I’ve completely or properly grieved my ectopic. I don’t know if it’s because my beta still hasn’t reach zero or what. Meanwhile, life has been a whirlwind, flying like a tornado around me. I feel lost in that tornado, spirling out of control. Feeling lost and alone.
I know I’ll find my way out of it soon. I hope I can find my way out of it soon…