Even from a young age, I’ve never been the type of person to think I was larger than life. Untouchable. Invincible.
I also know that I’m not your average person, so the way that I see the world is not typical.
Yesterday I got to taste of mortality. Of reality.
I got a call from my mom saying my little brother was in the hospital. Granted, he isn’t “little” anymore; he just turned 22 four days ago. He went in because he hadn’t been able to use the bathroom for 4 days, wasn’t really eating and was plain “looking like death,” according to my mom. Weak, sleep deprived and short of breath. Well the poor kid had a bowel obstruction. But the shocker of the story was his blood glucose was 408 & he was in ketoacidosis.
I was shocked.
Tomorrow will be his 3rd day in the hospital and they say he has Type 1 Diabetes. It makes me want to cry. I’m shocked I haven’t broke down yet. I just don’t want this for him. I don’t want him to live a life in pain or with chronic illness. I don’t want him to suffer.
On top of that news, my husband had his Will done the same day & it’s laying casually on my work desk…like a ticking time bomb.
Talk about looking mortality in the face. Suddenly, things in life can get a little too real. I went from being afraid for my own life a few weeks ago, thinking my Fallopian tube could burst & being scared shitless I could actually die, to dealing with my husband’s near future long term absence because of work & now my baby brother’s surprise life altering illness.
I like to be in control. Some would say that I am a control “freak.” All of these events have been so out of my control that I catch myself holding my breath & panicking. Worrying. Praying.
Sometimes I just don’t know WHAT to do to make things better or easier. Not just easier for me, but for my family. I live a long distance from my & my husband’s family. In times like these you want your family close. But it’s just not an option for me. And sometimes… it kills me on the inside.
I feel so much guilt for being away from them and not being a positive presence in their lives. I feel like 8 years ago I abandoned them, in a way. (Though they would never think that way.)
Thank God for counseling. And thank God for God Himself.
The older I get, the more I find myself facing mortality. My prayers also go out to those hurt and killed in Boston. The world is a mad place. A friend of mine openly thanked God (on Facebook) that she wasn’t raising her child (she had a stillborn son 5-6 years ago) in a world like this today, full of terror. Is she right? I don’t want my child to suffer with inherited disease like my autoimmune problems, fertility trauma, heart disease, etc. or live in a world full of hate and fear. I said to myself, maybe she is onto something…
We can only take life lessons at face value and learn from them, and move forward. I do believe that out of every negative situation comes a positive. It is really difficult to see that silver lining around the cloud some days. Especially when it’s raining so hard.