Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Candid Thoughts About Vulnerability

What is a safe environment? Where is your safe place? What constitutes your safe place?

A safe environment, to me, equates to vulnerability. And a completely safe environment means total vulnerability. Not a false sense of safety, like you may get in a counseling or therapy session. Where you meet a stranger for the first time and automatically you’re supposed to be comfortable divulging your innermost fears with this person, while simultaneously praying they aren’t judging you. That, in fact, they are hearing you. And that they’re there to actually help you. That’s a false sense of safety.

No, true safety is beyond comfort, its beyond friendship. I realized that a safe environment to me is an oxymoron. When it comes to my TTC life, my safe places are where I can be totally brutally honest and candid, yet I still have a place to hide. One thing you need to know about me is I always have an out. I always have a plan B. I like to dip my toe into the waters before I jump all the way in. I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever jumped into anything, ever, in my life. I may dabble, I may wade around, I may swim and I may even drown… but I never full immerse myself into the water and SIT there. I don’t like to sit in my vulnerability.

There’s an online group some of my friends and I just started not too long ago. It’s completely private, amazing, and I let my hair down. I feel safe. But is the reason I feel safe because it’s private & behind a computer screen? Or is it because I trust these girls wholeheartedly? I think it’s both.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to a point where I am totally “out” about my fertility struggle. In essence, on “paper”, I want to be out. I want to help people know that they aren’t alone & I want them to feel empowered. But at what cost to myself? I learned a LONG time ago that you have to look out for #1. And while I’m out there saving the world from infertility, who the hell is going to be saving me? ME. I’ll still be saving myself.

Everyone’s safe zone is different. And that’s ok. Some people’s safe zone is a closet, or under a pile of blankets in bed. MY safe zone has definitely expanded over the years, so I feel there has been progress. But I do not know full freedom yet. I still suffer in silence and behind closed doors. I put on a facade, even to those who love me most. I’d like to live in a world where I can be totally myself and not be judged. Wouldnt everyone?

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2 thoughts on “Candid Thoughts About Vulnerability

  1. My safe place is behind a computer screen. I can’t picture myself completely “out of the closet” in real life, even to my closest friends. While one or two friends, know part of our struggle, they don’t understand the emotions that have went with them. I guess this is my way of keeping myself safe.

    I understand your dipping toes into the water point. I always, always test the water before I get in and can’t remember a time where I’ve jumped in and I’m not just talking about a pool either.

    Great post!

  2. I have been open with anyone and everyone. It’s very freeing. I want people to be aware of it. However, I don’t feel safe with many of the people who know. they just know. It frees meup to say what I want, or nothing about it at all. The downside is sometimes I want to just put on a happy face and pretend and if I’m with people who know, I feel like they see through the mask and that’s hard. We all have a different journey, mine is a very open one. Were all different. I hope you are able to freely say or not say all that you want to.

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