Candid Thoughts About Vulnerability
What is a safe environment? Where is your safe place? What constitutes your safe place?
A safe environment, to me, equates to vulnerability. And a completely safe environment means total vulnerability. Not a false sense of safety, like you may get in a counseling or therapy session. Where you meet a stranger for the first time and automatically you’re supposed to be comfortable divulging your innermost fears with this person, while simultaneously praying they aren’t judging you. That, in fact, they are hearing you. And that they’re there to actually help you. That’s a false sense of safety.
No, true safety is beyond comfort, its beyond friendship. I realized that a safe environment to me is an oxymoron. When it comes to my TTC life, my safe places are where I can be totally brutally honest and candid, yet I still have a place to hide. One thing you need to know about me is I always have an out. I always have a plan B. I like to dip my toe into the waters before I jump all the way in. I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever jumped into anything, ever, in my life. I may dabble, I may wade around, I may swim and I may even drown… but I never full immerse myself into the water and SIT there. I don’t like to sit in my vulnerability.
There’s an online group some of my friends and I just started not too long ago. It’s completely private, amazing, and I let my hair down. I feel safe. But is the reason I feel safe because it’s private & behind a computer screen? Or is it because I trust these girls wholeheartedly? I think it’s both.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to a point where I am totally “out” about my fertility struggle. In essence, on “paper”, I want to be out. I want to help people know that they aren’t alone & I want them to feel empowered. But at what cost to myself? I learned a LONG time ago that you have to look out for #1. And while I’m out there saving the world from infertility, who the hell is going to be saving me? ME. I’ll still be saving myself.
Everyone’s safe zone is different. And that’s ok. Some people’s safe zone is a closet, or under a pile of blankets in bed. MY safe zone has definitely expanded over the years, so I feel there has been progress. But I do not know full freedom yet. I still suffer in silence and behind closed doors. I put on a facade, even to those who love me most. I’d like to live in a world where I can be totally myself and not be judged. Wouldnt everyone?