Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the month “June, 2013”

The Night Sky

The last few weeks have been tough. I miss my husband a lot. Tonight I had a meeting and as 2 of the ladies and I walked to our cars, we noticed some heat lightning. My one friend had never heard of heat lightning, which I thought was sort of crazy.  I grew up watching this in the night sky and it’s always been comforting to me, because of its familiarity.

When I first moved in with my husband (he wasn’t my husband then shhh) we lived on the 3rd floor of an apartment. It was summertime. It was the first summer I didn’t work in years. And a fond memory is watching the heat lighting dance in the amazing night skies from our balcony.

Tonight I took it as a sign God is watching over me and my husband. I pray HE keeps his eye on him, and continues to protect him.

Closer

Yesterday a friend of mine told me to put the following well-known quote up on my bathroom wall & read it every single day:

When the world says, “Give up”

Hope whispers, “Try one more time.”

I know this is something I need to read, memorize & recite until it penetrates deep into soul.

I was quietly sitting in the ob/gyn’s office this afternoon, drumming my fingers on the chair to the song on the radio that played over the loud speaker.  The wait was getting long, but I really didn’t mind. I had seen 2 other patients come and go, who were of course pregnant. It didn’t bother me much. I just tried not to look at them & not to think about it. 

And then a new song came on. It was the song I listened to every night for over a month when I did my shots at night in my bed during my last fertility cycle. It was my song to my baby. A Thousand Years.

I was alone in the lobby, so I simply closed by eyes and focused on my breath. And all I could hear was:

One step closer. One step closer.

That’s what I was doing at the doctor’s office today. I was pressing forward. I was moving one step closer. I took the last few months to process what had happened with the loss, and today I chose to move forward. And I didn’t realize it until that song began to play. 

I can still feel my spirit baby’s presence. It’s not as strong as it was before, but it’s never left me.  Today was just a small reminder to not give up. One day, I will listen to this song as I meet my baby for the first time. And then my life will be complete.

xx

LOST

I’m feeling a bit uneasy this evening. I just need some relief, mentally & physically. I need my cycle to start so my mind can stop racing & I can move forward. I feel like I’m still walking around in this weird limbo ever since the ectopic. And it’s getting sort of old. It’s been 4 months for goodness sake.

I made a GYN appointment for this week, so fingers crossed something good comes from that.  I’d at least like to get some answers. The thing that pushed me over the edge today was when I was on my fertility support group page.  I decided to update my little blurb about myself, by adding the most recent “baby remembrance ticker” to my sidebar.  And had to write “Baby 4.”  If I can speak candidly – that’s sort of fucked up. And it made me a little sick.

That’s not something anyone should have to type. In the last 2 months or so, I haven’t really let myself think about my latest loss. I wouldn’t say I’ve purposefully avoided thinking about it, but so much other insane shit has been happening that that pain had to be put on the back burner. But when I typed that…it made me feel really sad & numb.

I always go back to a place of “maybe God is telling me…”  Here are some examples of what runs through me head:

Maybe God is telling me I’m not supposed to have a baby. And He keeps showing me over & over, but I’m not listening.

Maybe God is telling me to stop trying, because if He wanted me to have a baby, He wouldn’t let me lose so many.

Maybe God is telling me that this isn’t my lot in life. I am not meant to be a biological mother and bear a child.

I hate feeling so lost.

Ignorance is Bliss

I feel like the more I know, the less I want to know. 

I sometimes wish I could go back in time to the days of childhood, or even the teenage years, when I was pretty much clueless about real life. I would relish those times a little more if given the chance.  The older you get, the more you realize how F*ed up life can be.  You realize all your friends have F*ed up lives too, so that helps. No one is immune to struggle & drama.

That being said, recently some family issues have been brought to my attention that have been occurring over last 7 or so years. I had been kept in the dark for different reasons, including my parents not wanting to add additional burdens to me.  Well, that’s all fine and dandy but having almost a decade of steaming shit dropped onto your shoulders all at once is pretty intense, especially when this coincides with other life struggles (the ectopic, my dh being gone, etc). 

When I think about my fertility journey, I also find myself wishing I could go back in time before I was jaded and suffered so much loss.  I know that I’ll never experience pregnancy in that carefree, joyful way that I would have if my first pregnancy worked out.  I feel a little robbed of that joy, which makes my heart sad.  I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, due to a forced TTC break, and honestly I know my body needed this break.  I am exhausted in all aspects of life. I cannot imagine being pregnant and enduring the amount of stress I’ve endured the last couple months.

I change my mind daily about how to proceed with trying-to-conceive. One day I want to save for IVF at a clinic in another state. One day I just want to go visit the clinic for testing, but not worry about treatments because I’m not ready. One day I am scared to death to ever get pregnant again, then the next day I consider adoption. The fact that I don’t know what to do tells me I am not ready to make that sort of decision yet. 

I still know I’ll be a mom one day, but I’m not sure how it will all transpire. In the meantime, I continue to build my ever-changing baby hoard and learn as much as I can. When I’m not a sobbing, emotional mess, I spend time with my friends’ babies. But sometimes you just need a flipping break. My brain has been on drama-stress overload for too long, and so has my body. So it’s time to hit the reset button.

At A Loss

It’s been over a month since my last blog and much has gone on. But I really don’t feel like getting into any of that right now. It’s after 1 am and I’m exhausted and half asleep. Today has been a rough day. I feel like in any given day I worry about 100 different things. I don’t know if this is because I’ve always been a worrywart since I was a child, or if its because I’m a woman and this is what “we” do, if I’m a tad OCD, or if my worries are all legitimate.  Most seem pretty legitimate to me. The one random worry that has me rattled tonight (and at least once a week) is my gradual hair loss & thinning.  I think as a female your hair is almost as important as your face.  It symbolizes what femininity embodies. I really wish I didn’t give two shits about my balding head, I REALLY DO.  Some days I couldn’t care less, but other days the reality of it just really hurts. And the worst part is it doesn’t seem like it will get any better anytime soon.  I’m sure those shots of methotrexate didn’t help either.

I just want to feel like the old me again.  Not the “old me” from a year or so ago, but the old me from before I ever got pregnant. The old me who was healthy, had energy, felt good all the time, wasn’t falling apart. Life has just gotten way too real for me lately. Sometimes I find myself pondering, “when did shit get so fucked up?” I look at myself and at times don’t even recognize who I’ve become. My body is so different, my skin is different, I have hair in places I never had hair before, and then I have NO hair in other place (cough…hairline), & my eyes just look jaded and sad.

I know things tend to get worse before they get better. Life is full of hills and valleys. I just feel like I’ve been rolling around in a valley for way too long, and something has got to give.

 

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