Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

At A Loss

It’s been over a month since my last blog and much has gone on. But I really don’t feel like getting into any of that right now. It’s after 1 am and I’m exhausted and half asleep. Today has been a rough day. I feel like in any given day I worry about 100 different things. I don’t know if this is because I’ve always been a worrywart since I was a child, or if its because I’m a woman and this is what “we” do, if I’m a tad OCD, or if my worries are all legitimate.  Most seem pretty legitimate to me. The one random worry that has me rattled tonight (and at least once a week) is my gradual hair loss & thinning.  I think as a female your hair is almost as important as your face.  It symbolizes what femininity embodies. I really wish I didn’t give two shits about my balding head, I REALLY DO.  Some days I couldn’t care less, but other days the reality of it just really hurts. And the worst part is it doesn’t seem like it will get any better anytime soon.  I’m sure those shots of methotrexate didn’t help either.

I just want to feel like the old me again.  Not the “old me” from a year or so ago, but the old me from before I ever got pregnant. The old me who was healthy, had energy, felt good all the time, wasn’t falling apart. Life has just gotten way too real for me lately. Sometimes I find myself pondering, “when did shit get so fucked up?” I look at myself and at times don’t even recognize who I’ve become. My body is so different, my skin is different, I have hair in places I never had hair before, and then I have NO hair in other place (cough…hairline), & my eyes just look jaded and sad.

I know things tend to get worse before they get better. Life is full of hills and valleys. I just feel like I’ve been rolling around in a valley for way too long, and something has got to give.

 

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10 thoughts on “At A Loss

  1. I went through the same exact body changes as you, and it was absolutely horrifying. I became angry and bitter at the world. The truth is…you have no idea when it will get better…everyone goes down a different path in life, but the one thing that is for sure is that this community is here for you to support you through all of it and let you know that youre not alone.

  2. Sending you strength, serenity, and lots of love.

  3. notyourmamasasblog on said:

    Girl, you GOT this. Go get a couple of pretty head scarves, put them on, and then get your chin UP!

    A lot of us autoimmunies slide by with the invisible symptoms, and for many, that’s what makes us able to do our daily thing and interact with people and work and keep life moving.

    Yours shows, and there’s nothing you can do about it. That sucks so bad. On the other hand, it’s not easy for you to hide from it. You don’t have the excuse a lot of us have to hide it and not talk about it. Be our frontman, be our guitar player and get the word out there.

    I know you’re brave enough for all this.

    • You know, I was looking for bandanas at the store just 2 days ago! It was for when I was working in the flowerbed, but still. I just keep clinging to hope that the changes I’ve made (safe shampoo, coconut oil + castor oil, vitamins) will eventually help. It’s so hard to not let it get to you. Thank you for the encouragement! I’m really touched.

  4. try the monistat method for your hair (goggle it) and the shampoo with nizoral 2% which is only available overseas (the US banned it when the realized it caused hair growth and they couldn’t slap a patent on it). Both of the things really work – no joke!! good luck

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