At A Loss
It’s been over a month since my last blog and much has gone on. But I really don’t feel like getting into any of that right now. It’s after 1 am and I’m exhausted and half asleep. Today has been a rough day. I feel like in any given day I worry about 100 different things. I don’t know if this is because I’ve always been a worrywart since I was a child, or if its because I’m a woman and this is what “we” do, if I’m a tad OCD, or if my worries are all legitimate. Most seem pretty legitimate to me. The one random worry that has me rattled tonight (and at least once a week) is my gradual hair loss & thinning. I think as a female your hair is almost as important as your face. It symbolizes what femininity embodies. I really wish I didn’t give two shits about my balding head, I REALLY DO. Some days I couldn’t care less, but other days the reality of it just really hurts. And the worst part is it doesn’t seem like it will get any better anytime soon. I’m sure those shots of methotrexate didn’t help either.
I just want to feel like the old me again. Not the “old me” from a year or so ago, but the old me from before I ever got pregnant. The old me who was healthy, had energy, felt good all the time, wasn’t falling apart. Life has just gotten way too real for me lately. Sometimes I find myself pondering, “when did shit get so fucked up?” I look at myself and at times don’t even recognize who I’ve become. My body is so different, my skin is different, I have hair in places I never had hair before, and then I have NO hair in other place (cough…hairline), & my eyes just look jaded and sad.
I know things tend to get worse before they get better. Life is full of hills and valleys. I just feel like I’ve been rolling around in a valley for way too long, and something has got to give.