Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

LOST

I’m feeling a bit uneasy this evening. I just need some relief, mentally & physically. I need my cycle to start so my mind can stop racing & I can move forward. I feel like I’m still walking around in this weird limbo ever since the ectopic. And it’s getting sort of old. It’s been 4 months for goodness sake.

I made a GYN appointment for this week, so fingers crossed something good comes from that.  I’d at least like to get some answers. The thing that pushed me over the edge today was when I was on my fertility support group page.  I decided to update my little blurb about myself, by adding the most recent “baby remembrance ticker” to my sidebar.  And had to write “Baby 4.”  If I can speak candidly – that’s sort of fucked up. And it made me a little sick.

That’s not something anyone should have to type. In the last 2 months or so, I haven’t really let myself think about my latest loss. I wouldn’t say I’ve purposefully avoided thinking about it, but so much other insane shit has been happening that that pain had to be put on the back burner. But when I typed that…it made me feel really sad & numb.

I always go back to a place of “maybe God is telling me…”  Here are some examples of what runs through me head:

Maybe God is telling me I’m not supposed to have a baby. And He keeps showing me over & over, but I’m not listening.

Maybe God is telling me to stop trying, because if He wanted me to have a baby, He wouldn’t let me lose so many.

Maybe God is telling me that this isn’t my lot in life. I am not meant to be a biological mother and bear a child.

I hate feeling so lost.

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8 thoughts on “LOST

  1. Or Maybe GOD is teaching you about loss so that you can be the most amazing mother to a special child…

    Sending you lots of faith, love, courage, and strength.

  2. I’m sorry for your losses and for the pain you are going through. I do understand the constant questions of why and wondering if you are trying to be told something that you aren’t listening to. Sometimes I question the mere science that we are using to obtain the result we want. It’s even harder knowing there are no words of wisdom that anyone can give you or any way to confirm any of our own rampant thoughts and questions. I am thinking of you…

  3. oh sweetheart. i know exactly how you’re feeling as I’ve been in that exact same spot multiple times. I’ll never know why we have to go thru what we have to – but I believe it’s for a reason. like jesselyn said, maybe it’s so you can be an amazing mother and treasure that baby like no other. hang in there…xoxo

  4. I just got done thinking through those same “maybe God’s” just a few minutes ago before logging in. It is totally exhausting. I like what the previous poster said about maybe the reason is so you can be an amazing mother. We all need positive reassurances like that.

    Thinking of you.

    • I don’t wish the infertility journey on anyone, but knowing that there are other women just like you, feeling the same things you feel, makes the journey just a little more tolerable xo

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