I’m feeling a bit uneasy this evening. I just need some relief, mentally & physically. I need my cycle to start so my mind can stop racing & I can move forward. I feel like I’m still walking around in this weird limbo ever since the ectopic. And it’s getting sort of old. It’s been 4 months for goodness sake.
I made a GYN appointment for this week, so fingers crossed something good comes from that. I’d at least like to get some answers. The thing that pushed me over the edge today was when I was on my fertility support group page. I decided to update my little blurb about myself, by adding the most recent “baby remembrance ticker” to my sidebar. And had to write “Baby 4.” If I can speak candidly – that’s sort of fucked up. And it made me a little sick.
That’s not something anyone should have to type. In the last 2 months or so, I haven’t really let myself think about my latest loss. I wouldn’t say I’ve purposefully avoided thinking about it, but so much other insane shit has been happening that that pain had to be put on the back burner. But when I typed that…it made me feel really sad & numb.
I always go back to a place of “maybe God is telling me…” Here are some examples of what runs through me head:
Maybe God is telling me I’m not supposed to have a baby. And He keeps showing me over & over, but I’m not listening.
Maybe God is telling me to stop trying, because if He wanted me to have a baby, He wouldn’t let me lose so many.
Maybe God is telling me that this isn’t my lot in life. I am not meant to be a biological mother and bear a child.
I hate feeling so lost.