I have a way of talking myself out of things.
I haven’t seen my Rheumatologist in… let’s see…over 2 years? I moved out of state and just never found a replacement doctor. I’ve been putting it off for a variety of reasons. The biggest being I’ve been feeling pretty good, and haven’t seen a need.
After all, I was seeing my Reproductive Endocrinologist (emphasis on Endocrinologist) who I thought would be taking good care of me, as a whole, not just my reproductive system. Well, that turned out to be a joke. After being dumped by the curb after my beta reached <4, I’ve really started to think about finding a caring doctor.
I can wholeheartedly admit that I am scared of doctors. I am terrified to invest my time, money, heart, body, soul, essence into finding another one who will treat me like shit and jade me even further. But I do not want to live in fear anymore.
I attended a Resolve Fertility meeting last week and on the whole drive down to the city I was thinking about what my “topic” of discussion would be. I racked my brain for an hour and could not come up with one coherent thought. My thought process was along the lines of “what do you do, when you don’t know what to do” and “how do you cope with going through this journey alone.” That sort of thing.
Anyway, so at the meeting I gave my update, which was non-existent, waiting for my period, yadda yadda, and then decided my discussion would be “how do you not live in fear.” I broke down a little bit when I started to talk, just feeling a sense of desperation I guess. How do you not get consumed by the fear? The fear of the unknown, the fear of another bad experience, the fear of another loss, the fear for my husband’s safety. It can be all-consuming at times.
I have to find a way, slowly, to deal with this fear in a constructive way. I cannot let it continue to consume me. I just don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I am not good at being vulnerable. I am not good at trusting other people. Hell, I’m barely able to trust myself these days.
I ran across a quote the other day that took me aback.
Never base your life decisions on advice from people who don’t have to deal with the results.
Wow. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Sit and ponder that for awhile.
So if I can’t trust other people, and I don’t have the resources to always help myself, who the heck can I trust in this mad world? Who will help me accomplish my goals?
So tomorrow I am making a step towards my well being and calling a Rheumy I have done a lot of research on. Will he be a jackass? Who knows. Will he be a pill-pushing treat you patients like an assembly line? I hope not. But the only way I will know is if I go see him.