Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the month “July, 2013”

CD 6

Cycle Day 6 and my dear friend AF is coming to an end. It came, it saw, it conquered, and it was relatively uneventful. I find this surprisingly reassuring.

Now, what do I do next?

I think the answer is nothing… yet.

Under recommendations, I can’t do anything TTC-related until 6 months after my beta reached 0, which puts me into late-November. So that gives me a few months to get healthy and somewhat back to normal. Whatever the heck normal is.

I know I’ll change my mind a hundred times between now & then, so we’ll just see what tomorrow holds.

xx

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CD 4 – say WHAT!

Ladies & Gentleman,

My period has arrived.  And it only took 151 days!  This is not exactly what I had envisioned happening when I went into my previous cycle with the RE back in February.  It has played out very differently indeed.

I have my OB to thank, for the Provera & also for the encouragement and kind words.  Dealing with a doctor & “nurse” staff who are less than compassionate for a year almost made me forget that there are some kind hearted caregivers out there. 

I really can’t express how much of a relief it is to be back on track again.  I have been living in this bizarre limbo for months now. It was discouraging me, big time.  For anyone who has had an ectopic pregnancy & received the Methotrexate shots, was your cycle wacky for months?  Looking back, I just wish the doctor would have told me what to expect, instead of me having to guess & asking other friends about their experiences.

I had been told by my OB/GYN that this AF (period) would be a little rough.  I told him I wasn’t too worried about it, seeing as I’ve been through some nasty shit in the last 4 years.  And I am happy to announce it has not been bad in the slightest! Today, I was on a long walk with my friend (and it was hot outside) and at the end I did get some sudden, harsh cramps. As soon as I got home, sat down and hydrated, everything was dandy.

One big change I did make was trying cloth pads. Weird, nasty, gross, whatever.  In my ongoing quest for a more eco-friendly life, I had been reading a lot of information about the chemicals (dioxins, bleach, fragrances) regular pads and tampons contain. So I decided whenever this AF finally arrived, I would try cloth pads exclusively.  (I had used them here & there in the past)  Luckily, I can sew so making my own was no issue.  Many women who made the switch report that their menstrual cramps have decreased tremendously & many had a lighter flow.  (I hate the word “flow”)

As for me? So far, so good.  And mentally I feel a lot better knowing I’m not cramming toxic waste up my J.   My reproductive system has enough issues on its own, without me adding to it 🙂

So here’s to a fresh cycle!

 

 

 

Uncertainty

I have a way of talking myself out of things.

I haven’t seen my Rheumatologist in… let’s see…over 2 years? I moved out of state and just never found a replacement doctor.  I’ve been putting it off for a variety of reasons. The biggest being I’ve been feeling pretty good, and haven’t seen a need.

After all, I was seeing my Reproductive Endocrinologist (emphasis on Endocrinologist) who I thought would be taking good care of me, as a whole, not just my reproductive system.  Well, that turned out to be a joke. After being dumped by the curb after my beta reached <4, I’ve really started to think about finding a caring doctor.

I can wholeheartedly admit that I am scared of doctors.  I am terrified to invest my time, money, heart, body, soul, essence into finding another one who will treat me like shit and jade me even further. But I do not want to live in fear anymore.

I attended a Resolve Fertility meeting last week and on the whole drive down to the city I was thinking about what my “topic” of discussion would be. I racked my brain for an hour and could not come up with one coherent thought. My thought process was along the lines of “what do you do, when you don’t know what to do” and “how do you cope with going through this journey alone.”  That sort of thing.

Anyway, so at the meeting I gave my update, which was non-existent, waiting for my period, yadda yadda, and then decided my discussion would be “how do you not live in fear.”  I broke down a little bit when I started to talk, just feeling a sense of desperation I guess.  How do you not get consumed by the fear? The fear of the unknown, the fear of another bad experience, the fear of another loss, the fear for my husband’s safety. It can be all-consuming at times.

I have to find a way, slowly, to deal with this fear in a constructive way.  I cannot let it continue to consume me. I just don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I am not good at being vulnerable. I am not good at trusting other people. Hell, I’m barely able to trust myself these days.  

I ran across a quote the other day that took me aback.

Never base your life decisions on advice from people who don’t have to deal with the results.

Wow.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  Sit and ponder that for awhile.

So if I can’t trust other people, and I don’t have the resources to always help myself, who the heck can I trust in this mad world?  Who will help me accomplish my goals?

So tomorrow I am making a step towards my well being and calling a Rheumy I have done a lot of research on.  Will he be a jackass?  Who knows. Will he be a pill-pushing treat you patients like an assembly line? I hope not.  But the only way I will know is if I go see him.

 

 

 

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