Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the tag “coping”

Finding Gratitude Every Day

When I started this blog last year, its purpose was to keep me grounded and staying positive, in the midst of this TTC path.  I’ve strayed from the path a bit here and there, gone off topic, bitched & moaned, etc. It’s my blog though, so I’m entitled to do that. Right?

Well, a friend of mine suggested I start a ‘Gratitude Journal’ to help me through the rough days along the way. Even if its something minute and almost silly to be thankful for, like stool softeners, write it down. (I’ll explain more later).  So I told her about my blog & how that was supposed to be its purpose.

I’m going back to basics, starting now. Let’s get back on track. It’s not always easy to see the silver lining of a tragic situation, but if you open your eyes and heart wide enough… you’ll see it.

Today, I am thankful for internet tv, miso ramen, modern technology, my heating pad, good friends, faith, being a woman, patience, my cat.

A Month of Freedom from Fertility

My friend AF has come and gone & my box o’ fertility meds has arrived. I’ve neatly placed everything in my hall closet, in an ordered fashion. My closet aka My pharmacy. It makes me feel good to know I am nice & stocked up for my next cycle. One less thing to worry about.  I received a call today from a new nurse from my RE office, ensuring I was going forward with the February cycle, etc. I was surprised it was not my regular nurse, Jean, who called. I’ve built a nice relationship with her. When I returned the phone call, I inquired where Jean was, to make sure something bad didn’t happen to her. (You never know). Well, she has taken another job & left!

I felt my heart sink a little bit. I have a really hard time bonding with fellow medical professionals, but her & I had a special relationship. Turns out, the “new” nurse is actually the clinic’s IVF coordinator nurse and has 16 years experience. She assured me not to worry, she would take care of me. This made me feel alot better, though I will definitely miss her.

My husband is traveling a bit for work, and I miss him. During the day, it’s not bad because I try to keep myself occupied. But at nighttime, all I have is a stinky little dog & my cat to keep me company in bed. It’s rather sad & lonely, but I’m getting through it.

I have been trying my best to keep my mind calm & zen. The zen part… well it’s coming along. I am thankful I have this month of freedom. Freedom from the woes of fertility. It’s been quite nice to leave my thermometer in my night stand drawer and not set my early morning alarm. I’m trying to focus inward, doing some soul searching about my ever-changing path in this world.

Things will always pop-up that will rock the boat, challenge your patience, or knock you down off of your mountain… Yes, that same mountain you’ve been climbing and falling down for years. It’s just trying to find the stamina & strength to keep climbing.

 

 

 

 

Coping with Conception on Christmas

merry-christmas-01

Or should I say, a LACK of conception around Christmas?

My first pregnancy was amazing. I got pregnant in early November of 2009, experienced my first Thanksgiving as a newly (& secret) preggo, and more than anything I looked forward to announcing it to our family at Christmas when we traveled the 800 miles home. I had photo cards made up with my digitial pregnancy test on it & a nice caption to give to our immediate family members.

That excitement, unfortunately, didn’t last long. On Dec 22nd I found out the baby didn’t have a heartbeat & that it appeared to have stopped growing 2 weeks earlier. I had no sign of miscarriage at all, except my hcg levels just stopped rising properly. So on Dec 23rd, I had a D&C performed. I ripped up the cards & threw them away the morning after the procedure. I couldn’t stand the reminder.

It was the most awful Christmas I have ever had in my life. And my life has never been the same since then.

Since then I’ve had 2 more losses, but none of them can touch the pain of the first one.

Since then, Christmas has always been a very bittersweet time for me. Christmas is a magical time (for us Christians). A time to remember miracles & the birth of our Savior, giving to others selflessly, being joyful.

So, how do I cope? I know I can’t speak on behalf of all the TTCers out there who are going through the same thing, but I can offer up some personal advice & what has helped me. As always, I don’t know if it helps, but if one person benefits, it was worth writing this blog. Getting my feelings out also helps me.

christmas

I think its best to self-protect during vulerable times. For me, I tend to withdraw a bit from the social hussle & bussle. I also accept fewer party invitations or large social gatherings. a) because I am not drinking now because of TTC, people like to assume. And assuming someone is pregnant when they suffered a loss on the same day 3 years ago is beyond painful for me to deal with. b) putting on a happy face & acting as if there isn't a care in the world is not my style. I try to keep it real, no mattter where I am. So if I am sad or down, I don't particularly like to bottle up those emotions for the sake of others. That has never served me.

Take some personal, quiet time for just you. I like to reflect on what has happened in the past, how its changed the person I am today & pay homage to the love I once felt. Sometimes reading a special poem, lighting a candle, or even saying a prayer is a good way I commemerate that which I’ve lost. I always remember how thankful I am that I was able to be a mother, if only for a short time. That can never be taken away from me, even though the memory is becoming more distant.

Sometimes the holidays = giant family gatherings. That may include nosey aunts, drunk in-laws, new babies & pregnant cousins. This is never pleasant. Seeing glowing pregnant ladies or new babies in their Holiday garb around Christmas time is frustrating & painful at times. It all depends on my mood though, honestly. I’m sure for anyone who has been trying to concieve for years or those who have suffered multiple losses, seeing what you’ve always dreamed of for yourself (ie Baby’s First Christmas) is pretty gut wrenching & depressing. Somehow I try to drag myself out of the “why is that not me?” mind frame. This is NOT easy. Getting sloshed drunk may be a perk to not being pregnant at this point 😉 Or a more mature answer would be to lean on your spouse for emotional support. Have a “code word” when you’re out & about for when things get TOO real & its time to go. I am able to whisper something to my spouse or just give him a look when its time to leave.

holiday-drinks

This actually just happened Friday night @ a work function. I was being casually introduced to some of my husband’s work friends (one of whom had a very cute & very pregnant wife). The belly was slightly annoying, but I was able to handle it fine. As we were all filing out though, I heard the other women swooning over her, talking about how soon she won’t be sleeping at all when the baby comes, yadda yadda… It was time to get our of ear shot & go.

There are perks to not being hugely pregnant around the holiday season though. My hub & I are actually going on vacation & I intend to enjoy it, worryfree. Well, as worryfree as an OCD like myself can be. Cute party clothes, heels, a glass of wine, sushi, deli platters, egg nog, vacation nookie, etc. Remind yourself of the few benefits.

One day, if its in God’s plans, I will be enjoying a Very Pregnant Christmas. I will buy a baby’s first christmas ornament for my tree. When it happens, it will be extra special.

Til next time.

The Childless Couple on the Block

This is a blog I’ve wanted to write for about 2 months now. I’m especially inspired to write it when I walk my dog…

We moved 2 1/2 months ago now. I found out I was pregnant on the day we moved in actually, which you all know ended in an early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy actually). The first week we arrived, I had 2 friendly neighbors approach me with hellos & immediately ask if we have kids. When I sadly hesitated and said no, they spouted off a bit about “waiting,” and “kids drain your energy” and “we’re smart to not be in a rush.” The typical rhetoric a 30-something, childless married woman gets on what seems like a daily basis.

As I started getting into a groove at the new house & walking the dog, it became evident pretty quickly that we were the childless couple on the block. Our homes are duplexes (two attached homes) in my community and yard after yard I saw children’s toys, play houses, sandboxes. House after house. This is something I think about everyday I walk my dog. I just look into people’s yards… little fenced yards all in a  row, all the same. Houses all the same. With the one exception that our home has a clothesline, grill & no children playing.

I don’t know if we’ll ever have children in our yard.  Dealing with that reality each day can be difficult. It can be sorrowful or depressing at times. Anyone trying to have a baby understands the pain & hopelessness that can be associated with it, especially if it is over a few years timespan. For my neighbors’ sake, I hope this isn’t something they ever had to experience. I hope they were spared. Because even though misery loves company & its easier to connect to a woman going through a similar situation, this isn’t something I’d wish on anyone.

So today, I pray that its in our cards to one day have a yard filled with laughing & happy children.

 Til next time…

 

 

Infertility Awareness

So, I’ve been wanting to do a post about Infertility Awareness Week (or month). What reminded me of this first, were my friends on Facebook who have bravely acknowledged it. Secondly, Laboratory Professionals Week always falls on the same week as Infertility week…..(I happen to fall into both categories) and I was reminded of Lab Week at my DH’s eye appt at the hospital yesterday.

Infertility is a bitch. There, I said it. Infertility isn’t just the inability to get pregnant. This is very important to understand and recognize. Since embarking on my TTC journey back in 2009, I’ve been extremely fortunate to virtually (and physically) meet a ton of women who understand the struggles I am going through and WILL go through on my path to have a child.  I’ve met woman who are the strongest people I’ve known in my entire life actually.  Baby loss / pregnancy loss is a huge part of the infertility battle, one that doesn’t exactly get talked about as openly as it should. This journey is SUCH a personal struggle, battle, path that we all need to be mindful of those around us in everyday life.  There is a strikingly good chance that a close friend of yours has struggled with infertility.  Maybe their spoiled only-child is the result of years of ttc and loss. Please consider this & be mindful when those around you seem sad, distant, depressed and reach out your hand to them. Please don’t judge or taunt a young married couple as to when are they ever going to start having children. 

Here are some website that may be interesting or useful for gaining come knowledge on this subject:

Infertility Awareness Week 2012

CDC Fertility Stats

After a Miscarriage

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