Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the tag “ectopic”

CD 4 – say WHAT!

Ladies & Gentleman,

My period has arrived.  And it only took 151 days!  This is not exactly what I had envisioned happening when I went into my previous cycle with the RE back in February.  It has played out very differently indeed.

I have my OB to thank, for the Provera & also for the encouragement and kind words.  Dealing with a doctor & “nurse” staff who are less than compassionate for a year almost made me forget that there are some kind hearted caregivers out there. 

I really can’t express how much of a relief it is to be back on track again.  I have been living in this bizarre limbo for months now. It was discouraging me, big time.  For anyone who has had an ectopic pregnancy & received the Methotrexate shots, was your cycle wacky for months?  Looking back, I just wish the doctor would have told me what to expect, instead of me having to guess & asking other friends about their experiences.

I had been told by my OB/GYN that this AF (period) would be a little rough.  I told him I wasn’t too worried about it, seeing as I’ve been through some nasty shit in the last 4 years.  And I am happy to announce it has not been bad in the slightest! Today, I was on a long walk with my friend (and it was hot outside) and at the end I did get some sudden, harsh cramps. As soon as I got home, sat down and hydrated, everything was dandy.

One big change I did make was trying cloth pads. Weird, nasty, gross, whatever.  In my ongoing quest for a more eco-friendly life, I had been reading a lot of information about the chemicals (dioxins, bleach, fragrances) regular pads and tampons contain. So I decided whenever this AF finally arrived, I would try cloth pads exclusively.  (I had used them here & there in the past)  Luckily, I can sew so making my own was no issue.  Many women who made the switch report that their menstrual cramps have decreased tremendously & many had a lighter flow.  (I hate the word “flow”)

As for me? So far, so good.  And mentally I feel a lot better knowing I’m not cramming toxic waste up my J.   My reproductive system has enough issues on its own, without me adding to it 🙂

So here’s to a fresh cycle!

 

 

 

LOST

I’m feeling a bit uneasy this evening. I just need some relief, mentally & physically. I need my cycle to start so my mind can stop racing & I can move forward. I feel like I’m still walking around in this weird limbo ever since the ectopic. And it’s getting sort of old. It’s been 4 months for goodness sake.

I made a GYN appointment for this week, so fingers crossed something good comes from that.  I’d at least like to get some answers. The thing that pushed me over the edge today was when I was on my fertility support group page.  I decided to update my little blurb about myself, by adding the most recent “baby remembrance ticker” to my sidebar.  And had to write “Baby 4.”  If I can speak candidly – that’s sort of fucked up. And it made me a little sick.

That’s not something anyone should have to type. In the last 2 months or so, I haven’t really let myself think about my latest loss. I wouldn’t say I’ve purposefully avoided thinking about it, but so much other insane shit has been happening that that pain had to be put on the back burner. But when I typed that…it made me feel really sad & numb.

I always go back to a place of “maybe God is telling me…”  Here are some examples of what runs through me head:

Maybe God is telling me I’m not supposed to have a baby. And He keeps showing me over & over, but I’m not listening.

Maybe God is telling me to stop trying, because if He wanted me to have a baby, He wouldn’t let me lose so many.

Maybe God is telling me that this isn’t my lot in life. I am not meant to be a biological mother and bear a child.

I hate feeling so lost.

Ignorance is Bliss

I feel like the more I know, the less I want to know. 

I sometimes wish I could go back in time to the days of childhood, or even the teenage years, when I was pretty much clueless about real life. I would relish those times a little more if given the chance.  The older you get, the more you realize how F*ed up life can be.  You realize all your friends have F*ed up lives too, so that helps. No one is immune to struggle & drama.

That being said, recently some family issues have been brought to my attention that have been occurring over last 7 or so years. I had been kept in the dark for different reasons, including my parents not wanting to add additional burdens to me.  Well, that’s all fine and dandy but having almost a decade of steaming shit dropped onto your shoulders all at once is pretty intense, especially when this coincides with other life struggles (the ectopic, my dh being gone, etc). 

When I think about my fertility journey, I also find myself wishing I could go back in time before I was jaded and suffered so much loss.  I know that I’ll never experience pregnancy in that carefree, joyful way that I would have if my first pregnancy worked out.  I feel a little robbed of that joy, which makes my heart sad.  I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, due to a forced TTC break, and honestly I know my body needed this break.  I am exhausted in all aspects of life. I cannot imagine being pregnant and enduring the amount of stress I’ve endured the last couple months.

I change my mind daily about how to proceed with trying-to-conceive. One day I want to save for IVF at a clinic in another state. One day I just want to go visit the clinic for testing, but not worry about treatments because I’m not ready. One day I am scared to death to ever get pregnant again, then the next day I consider adoption. The fact that I don’t know what to do tells me I am not ready to make that sort of decision yet. 

I still know I’ll be a mom one day, but I’m not sure how it will all transpire. In the meantime, I continue to build my ever-changing baby hoard and learn as much as I can. When I’m not a sobbing, emotional mess, I spend time with my friends’ babies. But sometimes you just need a flipping break. My brain has been on drama-stress overload for too long, and so has my body. So it’s time to hit the reset button.

Scratch That Itch, Baby

I was taking a bath this evening, relaxing & sweating like a whore in church. I guess technically it was a detox bath, but all my baths are detox baths then. Regardless, I usually never sweat. I know it’s from all the crap I’ve been shoving in my mouth lately, but I also hope it’s a sign AF is coming soon, and my body is ready to expel some nastiness. Once my beta reaches zero I cam properly detox and I cannot wait!

Although it’s been great not having a period for over 6 weeks, I’m ready to move past this ectopic. It seems like it ended a long time ago & physically I feel normal, but the weekly blood draws & being forbidden from taking all vitamins & folic acid is a friendly reminder. It’s become like this nagging itch in the middle of my back. You know, when you have to rub yourself on a wall corner like a weirdo to get relief? That’s it.

For those interested, I use a combo of epsom salts, baking soda and sometimes sea salt in my bath. I’ll add lavender essential oil when I have it, also.

Facing Mortality

Even from a young age, I’ve never been the type of person to think I was larger than life. Untouchable. Invincible.
I also know that I’m not your average person, so the way that I see the world is not typical.
Yesterday I got to taste of mortality. Of reality.
I got a call from my mom saying my little brother was in the hospital. Granted, he isn’t “little” anymore; he just turned 22 four days ago. He went in because he hadn’t been able to use the bathroom for 4 days, wasn’t really eating and was plain “looking like death,” according to my mom. Weak, sleep deprived and short of breath. Well the poor kid had a bowel obstruction. But the shocker of the story was his blood glucose was 408 & he was in ketoacidosis.
I was shocked.
Tomorrow will be his 3rd day in the hospital and they say he has Type 1 Diabetes. It makes me want to cry. I’m shocked I haven’t broke down yet. I just don’t want this for him. I don’t want him to live a life in pain or with chronic illness. I don’t want him to suffer.
On top of that news, my husband had his Will done the same day & it’s laying casually on my work desk…like a ticking time bomb.
Talk about looking mortality in the face. Suddenly, things in life can get a little too real. I went from being afraid for my own life a few weeks ago, thinking my Fallopian tube could burst & being scared shitless I could actually die, to dealing with my husband’s near future long term absence because of work & now my baby brother’s surprise life altering illness.
I like to be in control. Some would say that I am a control “freak.”  All of these events have been so out of my control that I catch myself holding my breath & panicking. Worrying. Praying.
Sometimes I just don’t know WHAT to do to make things better or easier. Not just easier for me, but for my family. I live a long distance from my & my husband’s family. In times like these you want your family close. But it’s just not an option for me. And sometimes… it kills me on the inside.
I feel so much guilt for being away from them and not being a positive presence in their lives. I feel like 8 years ago I abandoned them, in a way. (Though they would never think that way.)
Thank God for counseling. And thank God for God Himself.
The older I get, the more I find myself facing mortality. My prayers also go out to those hurt and killed in Boston. The world is a mad place. A friend of mine openly thanked God (on Facebook) that she wasn’t raising her child (she had a stillborn son 5-6 years ago) in a world like this today, full of terror. Is she right? I don’t want my child to suffer with inherited disease like my autoimmune problems, fertility trauma, heart disease, etc. or live in a world full of hate and fear. I said to myself, maybe she is onto something…
We can only take life lessons at face value and learn from them, and move forward. I do believe that out of every negative situation comes a positive. It is really difficult to see that silver lining around the cloud some days. Especially when it’s raining so hard. 
 
 

Follow You

Music has always played a big role in my life, mainly helping me in my “emotional” life.  Out of nowhere last week, the Death Cab for Cutie song “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” popped into my head.

Weird factoid – I love the word “embark.”

I fell in love with this song the minute I heard it.  It’s beautiful but dark. And like almost every song, it took on a different meaning after I had another pregnancy loss.  There’s a particular lyric I love that says, “If Heaven and Hell decide that they are both satified, illuminate the no’s on their on their vacancy signs. If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I’ll follow you into the dark.”

Some people argue that an early pregnancy loss isn’t a “baby” yet but we all know this is total bullshit. The soul of my babies are all with me & I love them all. I think it’s important for the souls of those we’ve lost to know we’re still with them, 100%. You don’t have to be physically with someone to be a part of their life. Love lasts forever. It lasts into the dark. It lasts forever.

I still don’t think I’ve completely or properly grieved my ectopic. I don’t know if it’s because my beta still hasn’t reach zero or what. Meanwhile, life has been a whirlwind, flying like a tornado around me. I feel lost in that tornado, spirling out of control. Feeling lost and alone.

I know I’ll find my way out of it soon.  I hope I can find my way out of it soon…

 

 

 

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