Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the tag “family”

Ignorance is Bliss

I feel like the more I know, the less I want to know. 

I sometimes wish I could go back in time to the days of childhood, or even the teenage years, when I was pretty much clueless about real life. I would relish those times a little more if given the chance.  The older you get, the more you realize how F*ed up life can be.  You realize all your friends have F*ed up lives too, so that helps. No one is immune to struggle & drama.

That being said, recently some family issues have been brought to my attention that have been occurring over last 7 or so years. I had been kept in the dark for different reasons, including my parents not wanting to add additional burdens to me.  Well, that’s all fine and dandy but having almost a decade of steaming shit dropped onto your shoulders all at once is pretty intense, especially when this coincides with other life struggles (the ectopic, my dh being gone, etc). 

When I think about my fertility journey, I also find myself wishing I could go back in time before I was jaded and suffered so much loss.  I know that I’ll never experience pregnancy in that carefree, joyful way that I would have if my first pregnancy worked out.  I feel a little robbed of that joy, which makes my heart sad.  I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, due to a forced TTC break, and honestly I know my body needed this break.  I am exhausted in all aspects of life. I cannot imagine being pregnant and enduring the amount of stress I’ve endured the last couple months.

I change my mind daily about how to proceed with trying-to-conceive. One day I want to save for IVF at a clinic in another state. One day I just want to go visit the clinic for testing, but not worry about treatments because I’m not ready. One day I am scared to death to ever get pregnant again, then the next day I consider adoption. The fact that I don’t know what to do tells me I am not ready to make that sort of decision yet. 

I still know I’ll be a mom one day, but I’m not sure how it will all transpire. In the meantime, I continue to build my ever-changing baby hoard and learn as much as I can. When I’m not a sobbing, emotional mess, I spend time with my friends’ babies. But sometimes you just need a flipping break. My brain has been on drama-stress overload for too long, and so has my body. So it’s time to hit the reset button.

Facing Mortality

Even from a young age, I’ve never been the type of person to think I was larger than life. Untouchable. Invincible.
I also know that I’m not your average person, so the way that I see the world is not typical.
Yesterday I got to taste of mortality. Of reality.
I got a call from my mom saying my little brother was in the hospital. Granted, he isn’t “little” anymore; he just turned 22 four days ago. He went in because he hadn’t been able to use the bathroom for 4 days, wasn’t really eating and was plain “looking like death,” according to my mom. Weak, sleep deprived and short of breath. Well the poor kid had a bowel obstruction. But the shocker of the story was his blood glucose was 408 & he was in ketoacidosis.
I was shocked.
Tomorrow will be his 3rd day in the hospital and they say he has Type 1 Diabetes. It makes me want to cry. I’m shocked I haven’t broke down yet. I just don’t want this for him. I don’t want him to live a life in pain or with chronic illness. I don’t want him to suffer.
On top of that news, my husband had his Will done the same day & it’s laying casually on my work desk…like a ticking time bomb.
Talk about looking mortality in the face. Suddenly, things in life can get a little too real. I went from being afraid for my own life a few weeks ago, thinking my Fallopian tube could burst & being scared shitless I could actually die, to dealing with my husband’s near future long term absence because of work & now my baby brother’s surprise life altering illness.
I like to be in control. Some would say that I am a control “freak.”  All of these events have been so out of my control that I catch myself holding my breath & panicking. Worrying. Praying.
Sometimes I just don’t know WHAT to do to make things better or easier. Not just easier for me, but for my family. I live a long distance from my & my husband’s family. In times like these you want your family close. But it’s just not an option for me. And sometimes… it kills me on the inside.
I feel so much guilt for being away from them and not being a positive presence in their lives. I feel like 8 years ago I abandoned them, in a way. (Though they would never think that way.)
Thank God for counseling. And thank God for God Himself.
The older I get, the more I find myself facing mortality. My prayers also go out to those hurt and killed in Boston. The world is a mad place. A friend of mine openly thanked God (on Facebook) that she wasn’t raising her child (she had a stillborn son 5-6 years ago) in a world like this today, full of terror. Is she right? I don’t want my child to suffer with inherited disease like my autoimmune problems, fertility trauma, heart disease, etc. or live in a world full of hate and fear. I said to myself, maybe she is onto something…
We can only take life lessons at face value and learn from them, and move forward. I do believe that out of every negative situation comes a positive. It is really difficult to see that silver lining around the cloud some days. Especially when it’s raining so hard. 
 
 

Two-thousand thirteen

2012 brought a lot of memories for me. Some good, some bad.

Right after Christmas, my husband had to leave the state for work for a month unexpectantly. This was the first time we were apart for that long since we had been living together. A month later, my dad got very sick, but recovered & we got married…for me, this was the 2nd time. It seems like an extremely faint, yet lurking memory that I was ever even married previously. Its something that will haunt me forever I suppose. I started seeing new OB/GYN’s and together, we tried to start solving the puzzle of my infertility.

We enjoyed exploring our new city in springtime, I worked at the Farmer’s Market for the first time, and we visited with friends and family. My husband got promoted at work and we prayed spring would bring many more blessings.

The summer came quickly & a lot of new things were happening. We had an insanely stressful visit home to see family, followed by an upcoming move (again) and I had my first RE appointment. It was a bit of a whirlwind. I took Clomid for the first time ever & got surprisingly got pregnant…for the 3rd time. And for the 3rd time, it ended in an early loss. But I had hope.

It was a rocky end to the summer, but as autumn approached, things eventually got better. We both celebrated birthdays, carved pumpkins & visited more family and friends during the holiday season. I did my first injectable cycle.

The cycle wasn’t a success & we both knew we needed a break. Some time away. Just for us.
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Our Christmas vacation / honeymoon was great. It was exactly what we needed & felt rejuvinated. We loved it. We visited more family, enjoyed Christmas with relatives, then got ready to say goodbye to 2012 as we settled back into “normal” life again.

Late night on New Year's Eve we got a call that my husband's cousin had been killed in a car accident. He had hit a tree and died. He was 22.

As we head into 2013, I have to be thankful & count my blessings. Things could have been a lot worse last year. Life was worse for a lot of people. I pray that God has big plans for me this year. I know that when God takes a life from this world, He creates a life. I pray & plead He creates a life within me.

Disney & CD10

disney

So far, December has been flying by. Emotionally, this month started off a little rocky. Holidays & TTC don’t always mesh together well. But I’ve been pushing forward, keeping myself occupied, & most of all, looking forward to a vacation.
We weren’t going to decorate or put up a tree since we would be out of town for most of the holidays. That all changed. I know my husband seemed to be having a hard time being away from his family this Christmas, so I decided we need a little cheer. I felt energized as I decorated our home, and found some joy myself.

spoiled pets

spoiled pets

You notice that we don’t have stockings this year, only the pets do! Hubs & I both decided not to spoil each other this season, but rather to enjoy ourselves on vacation. He has 2 gifts from me under the tree & there are 5 for me! Maybe I’m the spoiled one 😉

On a TTC note, I am already CD10. I’m not sure what this month will bring for us, but I’m keeping my expectations low. I’m trying not to have preconceived ideas of what should happen, but rather enjoy the time my husband & I have together. At my RE appointment tomorrow, I have a couple questions to discuss with Doc & am praying it goes well. Again, it’s hard to believe that it’s been nearly 3 years since I lost my first pregnancy. Next time, I hope my body will have learned how to stay pregnant. Here’s hoping for a Christmas miracle.

Til next time…

Coping with Conception on Christmas

merry-christmas-01

Or should I say, a LACK of conception around Christmas?

My first pregnancy was amazing. I got pregnant in early November of 2009, experienced my first Thanksgiving as a newly (& secret) preggo, and more than anything I looked forward to announcing it to our family at Christmas when we traveled the 800 miles home. I had photo cards made up with my digitial pregnancy test on it & a nice caption to give to our immediate family members.

That excitement, unfortunately, didn’t last long. On Dec 22nd I found out the baby didn’t have a heartbeat & that it appeared to have stopped growing 2 weeks earlier. I had no sign of miscarriage at all, except my hcg levels just stopped rising properly. So on Dec 23rd, I had a D&C performed. I ripped up the cards & threw them away the morning after the procedure. I couldn’t stand the reminder.

It was the most awful Christmas I have ever had in my life. And my life has never been the same since then.

Since then I’ve had 2 more losses, but none of them can touch the pain of the first one.

Since then, Christmas has always been a very bittersweet time for me. Christmas is a magical time (for us Christians). A time to remember miracles & the birth of our Savior, giving to others selflessly, being joyful.

So, how do I cope? I know I can’t speak on behalf of all the TTCers out there who are going through the same thing, but I can offer up some personal advice & what has helped me. As always, I don’t know if it helps, but if one person benefits, it was worth writing this blog. Getting my feelings out also helps me.

christmas

I think its best to self-protect during vulerable times. For me, I tend to withdraw a bit from the social hussle & bussle. I also accept fewer party invitations or large social gatherings. a) because I am not drinking now because of TTC, people like to assume. And assuming someone is pregnant when they suffered a loss on the same day 3 years ago is beyond painful for me to deal with. b) putting on a happy face & acting as if there isn't a care in the world is not my style. I try to keep it real, no mattter where I am. So if I am sad or down, I don't particularly like to bottle up those emotions for the sake of others. That has never served me.

Take some personal, quiet time for just you. I like to reflect on what has happened in the past, how its changed the person I am today & pay homage to the love I once felt. Sometimes reading a special poem, lighting a candle, or even saying a prayer is a good way I commemerate that which I’ve lost. I always remember how thankful I am that I was able to be a mother, if only for a short time. That can never be taken away from me, even though the memory is becoming more distant.

Sometimes the holidays = giant family gatherings. That may include nosey aunts, drunk in-laws, new babies & pregnant cousins. This is never pleasant. Seeing glowing pregnant ladies or new babies in their Holiday garb around Christmas time is frustrating & painful at times. It all depends on my mood though, honestly. I’m sure for anyone who has been trying to concieve for years or those who have suffered multiple losses, seeing what you’ve always dreamed of for yourself (ie Baby’s First Christmas) is pretty gut wrenching & depressing. Somehow I try to drag myself out of the “why is that not me?” mind frame. This is NOT easy. Getting sloshed drunk may be a perk to not being pregnant at this point 😉 Or a more mature answer would be to lean on your spouse for emotional support. Have a “code word” when you’re out & about for when things get TOO real & its time to go. I am able to whisper something to my spouse or just give him a look when its time to leave.

holiday-drinks

This actually just happened Friday night @ a work function. I was being casually introduced to some of my husband’s work friends (one of whom had a very cute & very pregnant wife). The belly was slightly annoying, but I was able to handle it fine. As we were all filing out though, I heard the other women swooning over her, talking about how soon she won’t be sleeping at all when the baby comes, yadda yadda… It was time to get our of ear shot & go.

There are perks to not being hugely pregnant around the holiday season though. My hub & I are actually going on vacation & I intend to enjoy it, worryfree. Well, as worryfree as an OCD like myself can be. Cute party clothes, heels, a glass of wine, sushi, deli platters, egg nog, vacation nookie, etc. Remind yourself of the few benefits.

One day, if its in God’s plans, I will be enjoying a Very Pregnant Christmas. I will buy a baby’s first christmas ornament for my tree. When it happens, it will be extra special.

Til next time.

Laying Low

The last week has been a whirlwind, and it’s just the beginning. 

I’ve been packing slowly for weeks. We’ve been in process of moving since Tuesday (which is always a joy) AND I got the new doctor & 2 month gameplan for future baby. Whew! We’ve been slowly moving boxes to the new house every day, while in the back of my mind I am semi-careful not to lift heavy things “just in case.”  I’ve been in a deep cleaning psychosis at the new home today. {{ I am a self-admitted cleaning freak }}  If I don’t clean it myself, I can’t believe it’s actually clean.  If something looks clean doesn’t mean it is!  Or sanitary!  Meanwhile, my husband is attending a rigorous 2 week school, so he’s next to worthless by the time he gets home. (Shh don’t tell him I said this). 

This weekend I will be working my tushie off while keeping my mind off of all things TTC.   This is good for both my tushie and my sanity, which is constantly in a state of flux. Looking forward to time sloooooowing down a bit soon.  It flies by so quick for some aspects, yet drags painfully slow for others ❤

 

Til next time

 

Breakfast on the go

EGG MUFFINS

I adapted this recipe from Kalyn’s Kitchen Blog to suit what I had in the fridge. I am all about using what you have around your kitchen because its a great way to not be wasteful. {See the bag of peppers & onions?}

image

I used 6 eggs, but you can also use 12. 6 eggs will produce 6-9 muffins. Beat your eggs, add spices (i used pepper & salt only). Chop your veggies you choose to include and layer them in the bottom on your lined cups. Green Onions are suggested, I chose onion + pepper in a thin layer. Pour your egg mixture carefully into the cups, filling them 2/3 full. Sprinkle a cheese of your choice (optional) on top of the mixture. I suggest a saltier cheese like cheddar. Feta + Spinach would also make a great combo!

image

image

Bake these bad boys at 375 degrees for 25-35 minutes until they’re puffy & golden. Let them cool, then bag them up. 2 muffins per bag is the perfect, healthy breakfast serving.

image

CD15 + anniversary

PART ONE

2 years ago on this day I was having a hard time, every day was a struggle.  My world had fallen apart.  My 2 friends took me out on the town to get my mind off of my depressing life. I met my husband that night. My life was never depressing again.

Life can change in a moment’s notice. Today, I am thankful I went out on that Girls Night 2years ago. God helped me close the door on my past and He opened the door to my future.

Time has a tendency to fly by and drag on at the same time. Its a weird paradoxical phenomenon. I am surprised that 2 years later on this date I was laying (once again) on an ultrasound office table with a probe up my crotch. This time it was because we are trying to conceive. We’re trying to have a baby. Trying to get pregnant. Its hard to believe that young guy I met 2 years ago is now onboard with impregnating me. Equally as hard to believe is how difficult getting pregnant has been this time around.

Life is a mystery. Its always throwing curves, never going as you planned. But for those with faith, we need to realize its not 100% up to us.

PART TWO

CD15.  I had the ultrasound to check my follies today. Unfortunately, the doctor wasn’t in so the ultrasound tech wasn’t able to tell me much (you know, by “law” they aren’t supposed to say anything). I had follies, good blood flow to my ovaries, &  everything looked normal, but I have to wait for a phone call for the “results”. Lame. The tech was nice though and definitely inferred that we need to go ahead and “go for it” because unofficially it looked like I was in the process of ovulating. AKA don’t wait to hear from the doctor to knock boots. Thanks Ultrasound Lady.

image

CD15 opk

I had an inkling my ovulation monitor was on the fritz when I kept getting negative results and the lines were looking faint and weird ( including the control line ). So today when I peed on the stick and it was negative…I was sort of annoyed and confused because according to u/s chick, that shit should be positive. Well, I went out and bought a new box…voila.

What’s For Dinner: Side Dish

I needed a vegetable, yet i wanted a starch. Cauliflower. Veggie yet potato-like, and I was craving macaroni & cheese. I found this recipe for Cauliflower Au Gratin and adapted it to what I had at home.

image

Before the oven

I used breadcrumbs not Panko, chicken broth instead of wine, & a mix of shredded cheddar & parmesan cheese. Frozen (thawed) cauliflower could be substituted also. It made a really yummy side dish for our steakhouse leftovers from Saturday.

image

Cute presentation

We ate the entire dish 🙂

Til next time, happy cooking.

Recluse & Fancy Free

I live in a warm climate. We have bugs here. Lots of weird & annoying bugs. Pests, really.

Like most people, I assume, I hate bugs. I especially don’t want them in my house. I am a clean freak, so it makes it even worse. Plus, I did not grow up around these types of bugs. So our animals have fleas. This makes me feel dirty & angry. I feel bad for my cat, because she’s my baby. Granted, they aren’t bad on her, but it makes me really sad to see her itch herself. I also feel bad for the dog, yet I am resentful towards him because I know he’s the carrier. The dog was my husbands family’s dog, which he took about 1.5 years ago to take care of. So I bathe, clean, vacuum, treat, etc the pets & house.  This does nothing. But it makes me feel better.

So this morning around 5:00am when my husband is about to leave for work, and I am drooling incoherently half asleep because I was up until about 2:00am, he wakes me up to say goodbye and says, “I need you to do me a favor.” Are you freaking kidding me… he needs me to keep an eye on the cat. He found her in the kitchen with a big spider which he thought was a brown recluse. I’m freaking out because neither of us know if it bit her, or she tried to eat it, yada yada. Plus, I am wicked exhausted and seeing double. I keep my eye on her and consult Dr. Google. The good doctor tells me brown recluses aren’t aggressive and they won’t kill her, but to look for a bite area that can necrose. (Gross). Ends up, the spider was killed by my husband and was a wolf spider, not a recluse. I feel better since Delaney isn’t a wolf.

Needless to say, the cat is fine & obviously left the bug alone. {Smart puss}. But it doesn’t change that fact that our house has fleas and spiders now. I’m thankful we are moving in 3 weeks.

I’m also thankful for Starbucks Hot Chocolate. Yay I don’t care that its 97 degrees outside. It still tastes good.

Post Navigation