I feel like the more I know, the less I want to know.
I sometimes wish I could go back in time to the days of childhood, or even the teenage years, when I was pretty much clueless about real life. I would relish those times a little more if given the chance. The older you get, the more you realize how F*ed up life can be. You realize all your friends have F*ed up lives too, so that helps. No one is immune to struggle & drama.
That being said, recently some family issues have been brought to my attention that have been occurring over last 7 or so years. I had been kept in the dark for different reasons, including my parents not wanting to add additional burdens to me. Well, that’s all fine and dandy but having almost a decade of steaming shit dropped onto your shoulders all at once is pretty intense, especially when this coincides with other life struggles (the ectopic, my dh being gone, etc).
When I think about my fertility journey, I also find myself wishing I could go back in time before I was jaded and suffered so much loss. I know that I’ll never experience pregnancy in that carefree, joyful way that I would have if my first pregnancy worked out. I feel a little robbed of that joy, which makes my heart sad. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, due to a forced TTC break, and honestly I know my body needed this break. I am exhausted in all aspects of life. I cannot imagine being pregnant and enduring the amount of stress I’ve endured the last couple months.
I change my mind daily about how to proceed with trying-to-conceive. One day I want to save for IVF at a clinic in another state. One day I just want to go visit the clinic for testing, but not worry about treatments because I’m not ready. One day I am scared to death to ever get pregnant again, then the next day I consider adoption. The fact that I don’t know what to do tells me I am not ready to make that sort of decision yet.
I still know I’ll be a mom one day, but I’m not sure how it will all transpire. In the meantime, I continue to build my ever-changing baby hoard and learn as much as I can. When I’m not a sobbing, emotional mess, I spend time with my friends’ babies. But sometimes you just need a flipping break. My brain has been on drama-stress overload for too long, and so has my body. So it’s time to hit the reset button.