Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the tag “friends”

Sandra

I don’t know how well you know me. If you knew me well, you’d know that I don’t let very many people into my life.  To be invited into the inner sanctum of my world is a privilege that you have to earn.  You need to ask yourself, “Do I really want to fall down this rabbit hole with you?”  I tend not to let people in unless I know they can be trusted and are emotionally invested in my life for the long run.  If I don’t see you playing a role in my life in the next 5 or so years, don’t expect to be welcomed in.  I’m not a fan of leaving myself open to vulnerability.  This is clearly a defense / coping mechanism I have.
 
But sometimes there are small but profound moments in your life that touch your heart so much, that you have to second guess these coping mechanisms.  Tonight was one of those nights. 

I was at a gathering at a friend’s house that was being held to say goodbye to a fellow spouse in our coffee group.  This lady is very special to me, though I’m not sure I’ve ever said it to her in so many words.  As you can infer from the above paragraph, I’m not exactly OPEN about my life’s journey let alone my fertility struggles.  But very shortly after I met this woman, I discovered that she too had suffered through years of infertility and had 4 losses, just like me. There’s something about a person who has suffered such tragic but personal loss…there’s something in there eyes.  I can see always see it.  I’m not sure if its a gift I have or if its just something I recognize because I have it too.  Its a beautiful yet heartbreaking connection.  Was it kismet for our paths to cross?  About a year ago, my husband had just started a new job position and these two women (the one whose house we were at and the one leaving) welcomed me with genuine open arms.  Between them, they had been through 15 years of infertility and they knew my suffering. They knew and understood my secret, my silent pain that I try to hide.  The words of compassion, wisdom, understanding & hope they have both given me is priceless. 
 
Tonight I kept my wits about me and only got mildly misty in the eyes as everyone stood forward and said heartfelt words about my friend.  Near the end of the evening, we chatted together a bit and she told me not to give up hope.  She said after her 4th loss, she felt like she couldn’t take anymore pain and was in such a dark place emotionally, that she just wanted to give up trying all together.  Then she said to me, but when you want something so bad, you never give… because it will happen.  And it did for her and her husband, naturally.  And then she went on to have twin girls after she had her son- naturally.  Life is funny sometimes.
 
I pray that I can grow to be half the woman she is in character, have half of her strength, half of her capacity to show compassion to others.  Tonight I was once again reminded of how amazing it is to be a woman and to know the bonds of love women can have for each other.  It’s a magical sort of thing.  I’m thankful she came into my life… or rather I came into hers. 
 
 
 

Finding Gratitude Every Day

When I started this blog last year, its purpose was to keep me grounded and staying positive, in the midst of this TTC path.  I’ve strayed from the path a bit here and there, gone off topic, bitched & moaned, etc. It’s my blog though, so I’m entitled to do that. Right?

Well, a friend of mine suggested I start a ‘Gratitude Journal’ to help me through the rough days along the way. Even if its something minute and almost silly to be thankful for, like stool softeners, write it down. (I’ll explain more later).  So I told her about my blog & how that was supposed to be its purpose.

I’m going back to basics, starting now. Let’s get back on track. It’s not always easy to see the silver lining of a tragic situation, but if you open your eyes and heart wide enough… you’ll see it.

Today, I am thankful for internet tv, miso ramen, modern technology, my heating pad, good friends, faith, being a woman, patience, my cat.

Beautiful Moments

I’m sitting here on the couch drinking my hot tea. My castor oil pack is warming my tummy. I just came from a bath with some olive oil & baking soda, which helped soothe my dry skin. Sometimes I take a step back and wonder if all this is worth it? By now, my fertility tea, the castor oil, acupuncture, the maya massage, no caffeine, drinking only filtered water out of glass, wearing slippers when its cold (the list goes on) has all become such habit, such a part of everyday life that I tend to forget it all started with TTC. TTC has made me a much healthier, conscious person, if nothing else.

A friend of mine experienced a natural birth with her 3rd baby 3 weeks ago. I’ve been patiently awaiting the pictures or a video from the birth, since she hired a birth photographer. I was taken aback when, tonight, I saw her slideshow from her experience. I was brought to tears & immediately felt refreshed. In an instant, all the stress I had been dealing with today seemed to melt away. It became unimportant. I felt a closeness to my friend that I hadn’t felt before. As a woman, I felt proud and powerful. As a fellow ttc’er, I felt inspired and humbled. I felt connected.

I can’t say if I’ll have a natural birth, an epidural, be induced, or a c-section. I’d like to think I have the determination and power inside of me to have a natural birth. I think when you’ve fought for something for so many years, that you gain a certain wisdom and strength that not everybody has. The fire inside of me got ignited a little tonight.

So when I have these moments where I wonder, ‘is this all going to be worth it?’ I’m reassured that it will be. It’ll be worth every moment… God willing.

Worth the Wait

I haven’t posted a blog entry in awhile, so I figured I was due. Today, I am CD16 and was reminded of my entire TTC / Fertility journey when a new friend and I had a massive discussion of our personal struggles with fertility. [ I don’t like the word “infertility” so I choose not to use it. ]
Back in 09 and 10 when my losses occurred, I wasn’t able to talk openly about them, let alone share my feelings about them with someone without bursting into tears. I held in all my pain and sorrow and cried every day. I was miserable and depressed for a very long time. I’ve come a long way since then, which I’m proud of, and I’ve learned you cannot bury your sadness without having negative effects in your future. No one should go through this journey of fertility alone.

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Today (and everyday) I’m thankful for my loved ones who support me, who listen, who understand, & who stand beside me during the good and bad.

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