Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the tag “grief”

Follow You

Music has always played a big role in my life, mainly helping me in my “emotional” life.  Out of nowhere last week, the Death Cab for Cutie song “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” popped into my head.

Weird factoid – I love the word “embark.”

I fell in love with this song the minute I heard it.  It’s beautiful but dark. And like almost every song, it took on a different meaning after I had another pregnancy loss.  There’s a particular lyric I love that says, “If Heaven and Hell decide that they are both satified, illuminate the no’s on their on their vacancy signs. If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I’ll follow you into the dark.”

Some people argue that an early pregnancy loss isn’t a “baby” yet but we all know this is total bullshit. The soul of my babies are all with me & I love them all. I think it’s important for the souls of those we’ve lost to know we’re still with them, 100%. You don’t have to be physically with someone to be a part of their life. Love lasts forever. It lasts into the dark. It lasts forever.

I still don’t think I’ve completely or properly grieved my ectopic. I don’t know if it’s because my beta still hasn’t reach zero or what. Meanwhile, life has been a whirlwind, flying like a tornado around me. I feel lost in that tornado, spirling out of control. Feeling lost and alone.

I know I’ll find my way out of it soon.  I hope I can find my way out of it soon…

 

 

 

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Pain

Today’s blessing is my husband. Let me take a step back.

We were set to have a casual dinner at my husband’s work friend and his wife’s house. We’ve been over there once before. They’re a lot younger than me but very nice. Very churchy and a little naive but good people. Anyways I didn’t want to go. It’s been a bit of tough week and I was hibernating at my house away from the world, trying to remain in a neutral, calm environment. But I reluctantly said we’d go. She (the wife) said some other friends were coming too. They live about 8 houses down from us and it was low key taco night… How bad could it be?

Bad.

This couple just had their baby right before Christmas. She’s cute but it’s not easy to be around new babies. Let alone young new parents who are clueless about anyone outside of themselves. We walked into the house and I see my friend and say hello and let her take my coat. And then it started. We looked in the kitchen a there were babies. Like 4 other babies. All the (young) couple there, who we had never met, had a baby and brought it.

They were everywhere. I immediately felt trapped and scared because I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.

Well it got worse and it got worse so fast. We chatted for a bit and and the husband said he’d introduce us to their friends. Immediately there is joking about the babies. “You didn’t get the memo to bring a baby?” “Where’s YOUR baby (laughter)” “we’ll you’re the only ones without a kid so you’re next!” “You didn’t come with a baby? I guess you had to leave (jokingly)!”

I lost it. I had to excuse myself and ran out the front door. I literally was having a panic attack and leaned against a car and cried. In the driveway. I was out there for probably 4 minutes but it seemed a longer time. I walked to the door and saw the girl I knew, the girl whose house it was. She walked to me and closed the door behind her. I told her I was sorry. I said we had been dealing with infertility and I didn’t know there would be so many babies and… Before I could say more she hugged me and said she was so sorry. And she should have warned me. Of course, she doesn’t know what were going through so it’s not her fault. Her friends who are strangers to us were extremely hurtful though. I didn’t learn a single persons name before I was being under attack. It was torture. I came back inside and washed my face and tried to keep it together.

That lasted about 10min on the couch with my husband. He was chatting with the husbands. But 2 babies were in there and the one little girl stared at me the entire time. I can’t do this.

Everyone got up to eat and I told my husband I couldn’t keep it together and I cried. I told them I was sorry and I had to leave. My husband got us dinner and listened to me cry. He comforted me and was by my side 100%. He was equally as upset with how the situation unfolded. It was like a giant knife into my heart and my soul. I don’t wish this journey on anyone. It is so fucked up and painful. But God please let people be more sensitive toward me. Because my heart cannot take much more. Just bless us, please.

Infertility Awareness

So, I’ve been wanting to do a post about Infertility Awareness Week (or month). What reminded me of this first, were my friends on Facebook who have bravely acknowledged it. Secondly, Laboratory Professionals Week always falls on the same week as Infertility week…..(I happen to fall into both categories) and I was reminded of Lab Week at my DH’s eye appt at the hospital yesterday.

Infertility is a bitch. There, I said it. Infertility isn’t just the inability to get pregnant. This is very important to understand and recognize. Since embarking on my TTC journey back in 2009, I’ve been extremely fortunate to virtually (and physically) meet a ton of women who understand the struggles I am going through and WILL go through on my path to have a child.  I’ve met woman who are the strongest people I’ve known in my entire life actually.  Baby loss / pregnancy loss is a huge part of the infertility battle, one that doesn’t exactly get talked about as openly as it should. This journey is SUCH a personal struggle, battle, path that we all need to be mindful of those around us in everyday life.  There is a strikingly good chance that a close friend of yours has struggled with infertility.  Maybe their spoiled only-child is the result of years of ttc and loss. Please consider this & be mindful when those around you seem sad, distant, depressed and reach out your hand to them. Please don’t judge or taunt a young married couple as to when are they ever going to start having children. 

Here are some website that may be interesting or useful for gaining come knowledge on this subject:

Infertility Awareness Week 2012

CDC Fertility Stats

After a Miscarriage

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