A change needs to be made. Not necessarily a physical change, although I do need a haircut, but an inward change. I’ve had a few friends who have been working hand-in-hand with me throughout this crazy cycle, keeping me sane, reassuring me, empathizing with me, etc. I don’t know what I’d do without them. Especially when other outside support just isn’t there. This journey towards me having my baby may seem simple from the outside, but it’s not. It’s been anything but simple. I thought it wouldn’t be bad, back 4 years ago, when I first put the tip of my toes into the pool of TTC… boy was I wrong. I would really give almost anything to go back to that place. Back before I was so hurt & was struggling on what seems like a daily basis to even function in a world filled with fertile women and their 2.5 babies. I recognize I am very jaded, deeply changed on a cellular level, and left feeling chronically “not enough” thanks to my inability to conceive. I am being honest with myself and that isn’t easy either. My eyes have been opened many times throughout my life. I’ve seen the proverbial “light” several times and had my share of epiphanies. I guess this is just another drop in the bucket of epiphanies. But this time, it’s darker. It’s darker because I feel like a lot is resting on this need to make a change within myself. Like… my entire life happiness and success.
My acupuncturist, who has become a close friend and confidant, as well as a spiritual guide (if you will) said to me I need to love & accept myself (mind, body and soul) completely before my baby can comfortably come to me. She’s right. If my future baby / spirit baby is anything like me, then I know he or she needs 100% self acceptance. I can show all the love in the world to my future baby’s soul, but can I show the same love to myself? No, I can’t.
When you’re TTC I think its really natural to get down on yourself & have negative self talk. “My uterus is broke,” “If only I would ovulate sooner,” “I need to lose weight before I can have a baby,” etc etc etc. How is this helpful in any way? I think we feel like we are less of a woman, wife, mother, etc if we aren’t able to have a baby. Even if there is zero pressure or negativity from our friends, husbands, etc. we still carry that burdon on our shoulders. And do we really need extra baggage to carry on top of the insurmountable baggage we already carry? No.
My friend told me about this podcast / video from a woman named Brene Brown, who spoke on vulnerability and shame. Talk about an eye opener. At the very end of the video, there was a picture of a woman’s chest and written on it in black ink was I Am Enough.
I don’t know where that feeling of not being worthy or feeling like you’re not enough comes from. But for me, I am determined to figure it out. I’m sure it’s going to be grueling and painful, and I know it wont happen overnight. But I am determined to travel deep within my psyche in order to make myself a better person. In turn, I do believe it will help me greatly along this TTC path, and help my one day baby love herself and be as strong as I know I am.