Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the tag “inspiration”

Change

A change needs to be made.  Not necessarily a physical change, although I do need a haircut, but an inward change. I’ve had a few friends who have been working hand-in-hand with me throughout this crazy cycle, keeping me sane, reassuring me, empathizing with me, etc.  I don’t know what I’d do without them. Especially when other outside support just isn’t there. This journey towards me having my baby may seem simple from the outside, but it’s not. It’s been anything but simple.  I thought it wouldn’t be bad, back 4 years ago, when I first put the tip of my toes into the pool of TTC… boy was I wrong. I would really give almost anything to go back to that place. Back before I was so hurt & was struggling on what seems like a daily basis to even function in a world filled with fertile women and their 2.5 babies. I recognize I am very jaded, deeply changed on a cellular level, and left feeling chronically “not enough” thanks to my inability to conceive.  I am being honest with myself and that isn’t easy either. My eyes have been opened many times throughout my life. I’ve seen the proverbial “light” several times and had my share of epiphanies.  I guess this is just another drop in the bucket of epiphanies. But this time, it’s darker. It’s darker because I feel like a lot is resting on this need to make a change within myself.  Like… my entire life happiness and success.

My acupuncturist, who has become a close friend and confidant, as well as a spiritual guide (if you will) said to me I need to love & accept myself (mind, body and soul) completely before my baby can comfortably come to me.  She’s right. If my future baby / spirit baby is anything like me, then I know he or she needs 100% self acceptance. I can show all the love in the world to my future baby’s soul, but can I show the same love to myself?  No, I can’t.

When you’re TTC I think its really natural to get down on yourself & have negative self talk.  “My uterus is broke,” “If only I would ovulate sooner,” “I need to lose weight before I can have a baby,” etc etc etc. How is this helpful in any way? I think we feel like we are less of a woman, wife, mother, etc if we aren’t able to have a baby. Even if there is zero pressure or negativity from our friends, husbands, etc. we still carry that burdon on our shoulders.  And do we really need extra baggage to carry on top of the insurmountable baggage we already carry? No.

My friend told me about this podcast / video from a woman named Brene Brown, who spoke on vulnerability and shame.  Talk about an eye opener. At the very end of the video, there was a picture of a woman’s chest and written on it in black ink was I Am Enough.

I don’t know where that feeling of not being worthy or feeling like you’re not enough comes from. But for me, I am determined to figure it out. I’m sure it’s going to be grueling and painful, and I know it wont happen overnight. But I am determined to travel deep within my psyche in order to make myself a better person. In turn, I do believe it will help me greatly along this TTC path, and help my one day baby love herself and be as strong as I know I am.

 

 

 

Beautiful Moments

I’m sitting here on the couch drinking my hot tea. My castor oil pack is warming my tummy. I just came from a bath with some olive oil & baking soda, which helped soothe my dry skin. Sometimes I take a step back and wonder if all this is worth it? By now, my fertility tea, the castor oil, acupuncture, the maya massage, no caffeine, drinking only filtered water out of glass, wearing slippers when its cold (the list goes on) has all become such habit, such a part of everyday life that I tend to forget it all started with TTC. TTC has made me a much healthier, conscious person, if nothing else.

A friend of mine experienced a natural birth with her 3rd baby 3 weeks ago. I’ve been patiently awaiting the pictures or a video from the birth, since she hired a birth photographer. I was taken aback when, tonight, I saw her slideshow from her experience. I was brought to tears & immediately felt refreshed. In an instant, all the stress I had been dealing with today seemed to melt away. It became unimportant. I felt a closeness to my friend that I hadn’t felt before. As a woman, I felt proud and powerful. As a fellow ttc’er, I felt inspired and humbled. I felt connected.

I can’t say if I’ll have a natural birth, an epidural, be induced, or a c-section. I’d like to think I have the determination and power inside of me to have a natural birth. I think when you’ve fought for something for so many years, that you gain a certain wisdom and strength that not everybody has. The fire inside of me got ignited a little tonight.

So when I have these moments where I wonder, ‘is this all going to be worth it?’ I’m reassured that it will be. It’ll be worth every moment… God willing.

Never Give Up

This week while on my drive to my acupuncture session, I was listening to my “Wicked” cd in the car. Somehow this became a ritual for me anytime I make the drive to the city. Maybe its because it helps pass the time since it’s an hour drive, maybe it’s because it’s my favorite soundtrack to sing like a maniac to. I think when you’ve had pregnancy losses or are trying to conceive, the meanings of songs can take on a different light. Take a traditional love song for instance. Most people would hear the song & think about their spouse or loved one. I find myself singing the song to my spirit baby who is still out in the universe waiting for me, or to those I have lost. “Defying Gravity” is one of those songs.

This song is extremely empowering to me. It’s all about taking chances, listening to your heart, and going after what you want when you finally reach that turning point, despite the outcome. And isn’t that what TTC is all about? I believe it rings very true.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game (<— best part)
Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep

It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap
It’s time to try defying gravity
I think I’ll try defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down

I really like this second verse, about not accepting limitations that an outside person may bestow upon you. Not falling victim to labels about your infertility, or lab results. This cannot define who you are.

I’m through accepting limits because someone says they’re so (<— good, right?)
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try, I'll never know

There’s been times during this journey where I’ve felt very lonely. It’s difficult to feel isolated, not by choice, because you’re 31 and childless. It’s difficult to see everyone around you attaining fertility & having their healthy babies, while you’re still muddling through darkness. But just because I may feel alone, does not mean I cannot achieve my goal. I have not lost hope & know that nothing can hold me back from my dreams as long as I keep believing in myself. Yeah, that’s cheesy, but it’s true.

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky
As someone told me lately – everyone deserves a chance to fly
And if I’m flying solo
At least I’m flying free

This cycle I will close my eyes… and leap.

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