Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the tag “loss”

Sandra

I don’t know how well you know me. If you knew me well, you’d know that I don’t let very many people into my life.  To be invited into the inner sanctum of my world is a privilege that you have to earn.  You need to ask yourself, “Do I really want to fall down this rabbit hole with you?”  I tend not to let people in unless I know they can be trusted and are emotionally invested in my life for the long run.  If I don’t see you playing a role in my life in the next 5 or so years, don’t expect to be welcomed in.  I’m not a fan of leaving myself open to vulnerability.  This is clearly a defense / coping mechanism I have.
 
But sometimes there are small but profound moments in your life that touch your heart so much, that you have to second guess these coping mechanisms.  Tonight was one of those nights. 

I was at a gathering at a friend’s house that was being held to say goodbye to a fellow spouse in our coffee group.  This lady is very special to me, though I’m not sure I’ve ever said it to her in so many words.  As you can infer from the above paragraph, I’m not exactly OPEN about my life’s journey let alone my fertility struggles.  But very shortly after I met this woman, I discovered that she too had suffered through years of infertility and had 4 losses, just like me. There’s something about a person who has suffered such tragic but personal loss…there’s something in there eyes.  I can see always see it.  I’m not sure if its a gift I have or if its just something I recognize because I have it too.  Its a beautiful yet heartbreaking connection.  Was it kismet for our paths to cross?  About a year ago, my husband had just started a new job position and these two women (the one whose house we were at and the one leaving) welcomed me with genuine open arms.  Between them, they had been through 15 years of infertility and they knew my suffering. They knew and understood my secret, my silent pain that I try to hide.  The words of compassion, wisdom, understanding & hope they have both given me is priceless. 
 
Tonight I kept my wits about me and only got mildly misty in the eyes as everyone stood forward and said heartfelt words about my friend.  Near the end of the evening, we chatted together a bit and she told me not to give up hope.  She said after her 4th loss, she felt like she couldn’t take anymore pain and was in such a dark place emotionally, that she just wanted to give up trying all together.  Then she said to me, but when you want something so bad, you never give… because it will happen.  And it did for her and her husband, naturally.  And then she went on to have twin girls after she had her son- naturally.  Life is funny sometimes.
 
I pray that I can grow to be half the woman she is in character, have half of her strength, half of her capacity to show compassion to others.  Tonight I was once again reminded of how amazing it is to be a woman and to know the bonds of love women can have for each other.  It’s a magical sort of thing.  I’m thankful she came into my life… or rather I came into hers. 
 
 
 

LOST

I’m feeling a bit uneasy this evening. I just need some relief, mentally & physically. I need my cycle to start so my mind can stop racing & I can move forward. I feel like I’m still walking around in this weird limbo ever since the ectopic. And it’s getting sort of old. It’s been 4 months for goodness sake.

I made a GYN appointment for this week, so fingers crossed something good comes from that.  I’d at least like to get some answers. The thing that pushed me over the edge today was when I was on my fertility support group page.  I decided to update my little blurb about myself, by adding the most recent “baby remembrance ticker” to my sidebar.  And had to write “Baby 4.”  If I can speak candidly – that’s sort of fucked up. And it made me a little sick.

That’s not something anyone should have to type. In the last 2 months or so, I haven’t really let myself think about my latest loss. I wouldn’t say I’ve purposefully avoided thinking about it, but so much other insane shit has been happening that that pain had to be put on the back burner. But when I typed that…it made me feel really sad & numb.

I always go back to a place of “maybe God is telling me…”  Here are some examples of what runs through me head:

Maybe God is telling me I’m not supposed to have a baby. And He keeps showing me over & over, but I’m not listening.

Maybe God is telling me to stop trying, because if He wanted me to have a baby, He wouldn’t let me lose so many.

Maybe God is telling me that this isn’t my lot in life. I am not meant to be a biological mother and bear a child.

I hate feeling so lost.

Ignorance is Bliss

I feel like the more I know, the less I want to know. 

I sometimes wish I could go back in time to the days of childhood, or even the teenage years, when I was pretty much clueless about real life. I would relish those times a little more if given the chance.  The older you get, the more you realize how F*ed up life can be.  You realize all your friends have F*ed up lives too, so that helps. No one is immune to struggle & drama.

That being said, recently some family issues have been brought to my attention that have been occurring over last 7 or so years. I had been kept in the dark for different reasons, including my parents not wanting to add additional burdens to me.  Well, that’s all fine and dandy but having almost a decade of steaming shit dropped onto your shoulders all at once is pretty intense, especially when this coincides with other life struggles (the ectopic, my dh being gone, etc). 

When I think about my fertility journey, I also find myself wishing I could go back in time before I was jaded and suffered so much loss.  I know that I’ll never experience pregnancy in that carefree, joyful way that I would have if my first pregnancy worked out.  I feel a little robbed of that joy, which makes my heart sad.  I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, due to a forced TTC break, and honestly I know my body needed this break.  I am exhausted in all aspects of life. I cannot imagine being pregnant and enduring the amount of stress I’ve endured the last couple months.

I change my mind daily about how to proceed with trying-to-conceive. One day I want to save for IVF at a clinic in another state. One day I just want to go visit the clinic for testing, but not worry about treatments because I’m not ready. One day I am scared to death to ever get pregnant again, then the next day I consider adoption. The fact that I don’t know what to do tells me I am not ready to make that sort of decision yet. 

I still know I’ll be a mom one day, but I’m not sure how it will all transpire. In the meantime, I continue to build my ever-changing baby hoard and learn as much as I can. When I’m not a sobbing, emotional mess, I spend time with my friends’ babies. But sometimes you just need a flipping break. My brain has been on drama-stress overload for too long, and so has my body. So it’s time to hit the reset button.

Follow You

Music has always played a big role in my life, mainly helping me in my “emotional” life.  Out of nowhere last week, the Death Cab for Cutie song “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” popped into my head.

Weird factoid – I love the word “embark.”

I fell in love with this song the minute I heard it.  It’s beautiful but dark. And like almost every song, it took on a different meaning after I had another pregnancy loss.  There’s a particular lyric I love that says, “If Heaven and Hell decide that they are both satified, illuminate the no’s on their on their vacancy signs. If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I’ll follow you into the dark.”

Some people argue that an early pregnancy loss isn’t a “baby” yet but we all know this is total bullshit. The soul of my babies are all with me & I love them all. I think it’s important for the souls of those we’ve lost to know we’re still with them, 100%. You don’t have to be physically with someone to be a part of their life. Love lasts forever. It lasts into the dark. It lasts forever.

I still don’t think I’ve completely or properly grieved my ectopic. I don’t know if it’s because my beta still hasn’t reach zero or what. Meanwhile, life has been a whirlwind, flying like a tornado around me. I feel lost in that tornado, spirling out of control. Feeling lost and alone.

I know I’ll find my way out of it soon.  I hope I can find my way out of it soon…

 

 

 

Finding Gratitude Every Day

When I started this blog last year, its purpose was to keep me grounded and staying positive, in the midst of this TTC path.  I’ve strayed from the path a bit here and there, gone off topic, bitched & moaned, etc. It’s my blog though, so I’m entitled to do that. Right?

Well, a friend of mine suggested I start a ‘Gratitude Journal’ to help me through the rough days along the way. Even if its something minute and almost silly to be thankful for, like stool softeners, write it down. (I’ll explain more later).  So I told her about my blog & how that was supposed to be its purpose.

I’m going back to basics, starting now. Let’s get back on track. It’s not always easy to see the silver lining of a tragic situation, but if you open your eyes and heart wide enough… you’ll see it.

Today, I am thankful for internet tv, miso ramen, modern technology, my heating pad, good friends, faith, being a woman, patience, my cat.

Goodbye

Tonight is the first night in 33 days I’m not laying down to do my lovenox shot. Tonight I’m not listening to the same song I’ve listening to for strength in over a month while I do my shot. I won’t be meditating much tonight. It’s more than sadness you feel when the end has arrived. It’s numbness & pain.  Emptiness. Depression even. It’s not just a physical loss, it’s an emotional and spiritual loss as well. I can tell you I’m not ready to let go. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. 

Two-thousand thirteen

2012 brought a lot of memories for me. Some good, some bad.

Right after Christmas, my husband had to leave the state for work for a month unexpectantly. This was the first time we were apart for that long since we had been living together. A month later, my dad got very sick, but recovered & we got married…for me, this was the 2nd time. It seems like an extremely faint, yet lurking memory that I was ever even married previously. Its something that will haunt me forever I suppose. I started seeing new OB/GYN’s and together, we tried to start solving the puzzle of my infertility.

We enjoyed exploring our new city in springtime, I worked at the Farmer’s Market for the first time, and we visited with friends and family. My husband got promoted at work and we prayed spring would bring many more blessings.

The summer came quickly & a lot of new things were happening. We had an insanely stressful visit home to see family, followed by an upcoming move (again) and I had my first RE appointment. It was a bit of a whirlwind. I took Clomid for the first time ever & got surprisingly got pregnant…for the 3rd time. And for the 3rd time, it ended in an early loss. But I had hope.

It was a rocky end to the summer, but as autumn approached, things eventually got better. We both celebrated birthdays, carved pumpkins & visited more family and friends during the holiday season. I did my first injectable cycle.

The cycle wasn’t a success & we both knew we needed a break. Some time away. Just for us.
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Our Christmas vacation / honeymoon was great. It was exactly what we needed & felt rejuvinated. We loved it. We visited more family, enjoyed Christmas with relatives, then got ready to say goodbye to 2012 as we settled back into “normal” life again.

Late night on New Year's Eve we got a call that my husband's cousin had been killed in a car accident. He had hit a tree and died. He was 22.

As we head into 2013, I have to be thankful & count my blessings. Things could have been a lot worse last year. Life was worse for a lot of people. I pray that God has big plans for me this year. I know that when God takes a life from this world, He creates a life. I pray & plead He creates a life within me.

Infertility Awareness

So, I’ve been wanting to do a post about Infertility Awareness Week (or month). What reminded me of this first, were my friends on Facebook who have bravely acknowledged it. Secondly, Laboratory Professionals Week always falls on the same week as Infertility week…..(I happen to fall into both categories) and I was reminded of Lab Week at my DH’s eye appt at the hospital yesterday.

Infertility is a bitch. There, I said it. Infertility isn’t just the inability to get pregnant. This is very important to understand and recognize. Since embarking on my TTC journey back in 2009, I’ve been extremely fortunate to virtually (and physically) meet a ton of women who understand the struggles I am going through and WILL go through on my path to have a child.  I’ve met woman who are the strongest people I’ve known in my entire life actually.  Baby loss / pregnancy loss is a huge part of the infertility battle, one that doesn’t exactly get talked about as openly as it should. This journey is SUCH a personal struggle, battle, path that we all need to be mindful of those around us in everyday life.  There is a strikingly good chance that a close friend of yours has struggled with infertility.  Maybe their spoiled only-child is the result of years of ttc and loss. Please consider this & be mindful when those around you seem sad, distant, depressed and reach out your hand to them. Please don’t judge or taunt a young married couple as to when are they ever going to start having children. 

Here are some website that may be interesting or useful for gaining come knowledge on this subject:

Infertility Awareness Week 2012

CDC Fertility Stats

After a Miscarriage

2 Years…

Its been 2 years today since my 2nd miscarriage. I am having a really hard time with life in general today. Last night, my DH and I had an altercation about sex, I had an emotional breakdown in the bathroom for an hour, and nothing was resolved. TTC is SO hard. No one tells you this though, when you start. Health Class makes it seem like if you look at a penis, you will be pregnant. This is how it works on ” 16 & Pregnant ” when 16 y/o boys actually HAVE a sex drive and 16 year old girls are young and healthy. but this isn’t how it happens in MY life. We TTCers give our whole beings and souls over to conceive our precious baby.  It is a lonely journey.  Men will NEVER understand the sacrifices we make.  Why is this so hard?

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