I don’t know how well you know me. If you knew me well, you’d know that I don’t let very many people into my life. To be invited into the inner sanctum of my world is a privilege that you have to earn. You need to ask yourself, “Do I really want to fall down this rabbit hole with you?” I tend not to let people in unless I know they can be trusted and are emotionally invested in my life for the long run. If I don’t see you playing a role in my life in the next 5 or so years, don’t expect to be welcomed in. I’m not a fan of leaving myself open to vulnerability. This is clearly a defense / coping mechanism I have.
But sometimes there are small but profound moments in your life that touch your heart so much, that you have to second guess these coping mechanisms. Tonight was one of those nights.
I was at a gathering at a friend’s house that was being held to say goodbye to a fellow spouse in our coffee group. This lady is very special to me, though I’m not sure I’ve ever said it to her in so many words. As you can infer from the above paragraph, I’m not exactly OPEN about my life’s journey let alone my fertility struggles. But very shortly after I met this woman, I discovered that she too had suffered through years of infertility and had 4 losses, just like me. There’s something about a person who has suffered such tragic but personal loss…there’s something in there eyes. I can see always see it. I’m not sure if its a gift I have or if its just something I recognize because I have it too. Its a beautiful yet heartbreaking connection. Was it kismet for our paths to cross? About a year ago, my husband had just started a new job position and these two women (the one whose house we were at and the one leaving) welcomed me with genuine open arms. Between them, they had been through 15 years of infertility and they knew my suffering. They knew and understood my secret, my silent pain that I try to hide. The words of compassion, wisdom, understanding & hope they have both given me is priceless.
Tonight I kept my wits about me and only got mildly misty in the eyes as everyone stood forward and said heartfelt words about my friend. Near the end of the evening, we chatted together a bit and she told me not to give up hope. She said after her 4th loss, she felt like she couldn’t take anymore pain and was in such a dark place emotionally, that she just wanted to give up trying all together. Then she said to me, but when you want something so bad, you never give… because it will happen. And it did for her and her husband, naturally. And then she went on to have twin girls after she had her son- naturally. Life is funny sometimes.
I pray that I can grow to be half the woman she is in character, have half of her strength, half of her capacity to show compassion to others. Tonight I was once again reminded of how amazing it is to be a woman and to know the bonds of love women can have for each other. It’s a magical sort of thing. I’m thankful she came into my life… or rather I came into hers.