Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the tag “miscarriage”

LOST

I’m feeling a bit uneasy this evening. I just need some relief, mentally & physically. I need my cycle to start so my mind can stop racing & I can move forward. I feel like I’m still walking around in this weird limbo ever since the ectopic. And it’s getting sort of old. It’s been 4 months for goodness sake.

I made a GYN appointment for this week, so fingers crossed something good comes from that.  I’d at least like to get some answers. The thing that pushed me over the edge today was when I was on my fertility support group page.  I decided to update my little blurb about myself, by adding the most recent “baby remembrance ticker” to my sidebar.  And had to write “Baby 4.”  If I can speak candidly – that’s sort of fucked up. And it made me a little sick.

That’s not something anyone should have to type. In the last 2 months or so, I haven’t really let myself think about my latest loss. I wouldn’t say I’ve purposefully avoided thinking about it, but so much other insane shit has been happening that that pain had to be put on the back burner. But when I typed that…it made me feel really sad & numb.

I always go back to a place of “maybe God is telling me…”  Here are some examples of what runs through me head:

Maybe God is telling me I’m not supposed to have a baby. And He keeps showing me over & over, but I’m not listening.

Maybe God is telling me to stop trying, because if He wanted me to have a baby, He wouldn’t let me lose so many.

Maybe God is telling me that this isn’t my lot in life. I am not meant to be a biological mother and bear a child.

I hate feeling so lost.

Ignorance is Bliss

I feel like the more I know, the less I want to know. 

I sometimes wish I could go back in time to the days of childhood, or even the teenage years, when I was pretty much clueless about real life. I would relish those times a little more if given the chance.  The older you get, the more you realize how F*ed up life can be.  You realize all your friends have F*ed up lives too, so that helps. No one is immune to struggle & drama.

That being said, recently some family issues have been brought to my attention that have been occurring over last 7 or so years. I had been kept in the dark for different reasons, including my parents not wanting to add additional burdens to me.  Well, that’s all fine and dandy but having almost a decade of steaming shit dropped onto your shoulders all at once is pretty intense, especially when this coincides with other life struggles (the ectopic, my dh being gone, etc). 

When I think about my fertility journey, I also find myself wishing I could go back in time before I was jaded and suffered so much loss.  I know that I’ll never experience pregnancy in that carefree, joyful way that I would have if my first pregnancy worked out.  I feel a little robbed of that joy, which makes my heart sad.  I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, due to a forced TTC break, and honestly I know my body needed this break.  I am exhausted in all aspects of life. I cannot imagine being pregnant and enduring the amount of stress I’ve endured the last couple months.

I change my mind daily about how to proceed with trying-to-conceive. One day I want to save for IVF at a clinic in another state. One day I just want to go visit the clinic for testing, but not worry about treatments because I’m not ready. One day I am scared to death to ever get pregnant again, then the next day I consider adoption. The fact that I don’t know what to do tells me I am not ready to make that sort of decision yet. 

I still know I’ll be a mom one day, but I’m not sure how it will all transpire. In the meantime, I continue to build my ever-changing baby hoard and learn as much as I can. When I’m not a sobbing, emotional mess, I spend time with my friends’ babies. But sometimes you just need a flipping break. My brain has been on drama-stress overload for too long, and so has my body. So it’s time to hit the reset button.

Dream a Dream

I had a playlist on my iPhone I would listen to nightly when I gave myself my lovenox shot this past cycle. The same “Spirit Baby” playlist from CD 10 and on. About halfway through the month, I added “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis to the list. I’ve always loved the song & with the recent release of the box office version, it popped back into my mind. But as soon as I added it, I knew it seemed a bit out of place. 
A week later I added “Come What May” from Moulin Rouge (…and because it happened to be on Glee). Hmm I should have picked up on the changing vibe then, but I didn’t. 
My songs I would sing to my spirit baby went a little dark. It was almost as if my subconscious could sense things were going south long before the storm. 
Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, my subconscious was indeed right. And my ectopic adventure began…

I blogged about the night I stopped listening to my playlist. It’s too fresh and painful to listen to it still. But the one song that I catch myself singing constantly is still I Dreamed a Dream. I always saw this baby as a girl, and these words never rang truer than now. 

“And still I dream she’ll come to me
That we will live the years together.
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather.
I had a dream my life would be
So much different from this hell I’m living.
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream…
I dreamed.”

Follow You

Music has always played a big role in my life, mainly helping me in my “emotional” life.  Out of nowhere last week, the Death Cab for Cutie song “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” popped into my head.

Weird factoid – I love the word “embark.”

I fell in love with this song the minute I heard it.  It’s beautiful but dark. And like almost every song, it took on a different meaning after I had another pregnancy loss.  There’s a particular lyric I love that says, “If Heaven and Hell decide that they are both satified, illuminate the no’s on their on their vacancy signs. If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I’ll follow you into the dark.”

Some people argue that an early pregnancy loss isn’t a “baby” yet but we all know this is total bullshit. The soul of my babies are all with me & I love them all. I think it’s important for the souls of those we’ve lost to know we’re still with them, 100%. You don’t have to be physically with someone to be a part of their life. Love lasts forever. It lasts into the dark. It lasts forever.

I still don’t think I’ve completely or properly grieved my ectopic. I don’t know if it’s because my beta still hasn’t reach zero or what. Meanwhile, life has been a whirlwind, flying like a tornado around me. I feel lost in that tornado, spirling out of control. Feeling lost and alone.

I know I’ll find my way out of it soon.  I hope I can find my way out of it soon…

 

 

 

CD 9 & Where Have I Been?

Where have I been? In short: moving, getting settled, keeping sane & starting fresh. Again.

I ended up getting a BFP {big fat positive} last cycle with the Clomid. I got it on 11dpo on the day our movers came. The test/s were pretty dark too, so what happened next was a surprise. Not a good surprise.

I went to the new RE office the following day, got all my blood drawn, got scripts for a ton of meds (Progesterone, Estrogen, Lovenox, a different prenatal, Folbic, baby aspirin) & spent the whole day getting them filled. I was extremely hopeful. I didn’t have that doomed feeling / gut reaction I had with the other pregnancies.

So when the nurse called me that night with my hcg results {blood pregnancy levels} and they were a 9, I was devastated.  And confused. I didn’t see how it was possible to get such a clear line on a pregnancy test and the level come back so low. This is when the doubt crept in.

2 days later I got my repeat hcg done (and estradiol & progesterone) and it went down to 4.

I went off all the meds and my period started 4 days later. I now have a shit ton of prego meds hoarded in my house, which is awkward, yet I am glad I have them on hand now. I am / was super sad about having another loss, but I am trying to move forward from it.

As for an RE update: I’ve had all the bloodwork done & the Lupron Challenge completed. I don’t get those results until my big follow up in October. I do know some of the results & they have all been in normal range. (Minus my estradiol & progesterone being lower than normal according to my clinic’s ranges).

My Hysteroscopy, sonohysterogram, & biopsies are not scheduled until next month…which is daunting having to wait. BUT this gives me time to heal emotionally & physically, and work on ME again. The last couple weeks were a whirlwind of chaos…the pregnancy was a surprise and a blessing amidst it all…and even though it didn’t work out, we are working towards the original game plan & staying hopeful.

My day is coming… one day.

Infertility Awareness

So, I’ve been wanting to do a post about Infertility Awareness Week (or month). What reminded me of this first, were my friends on Facebook who have bravely acknowledged it. Secondly, Laboratory Professionals Week always falls on the same week as Infertility week…..(I happen to fall into both categories) and I was reminded of Lab Week at my DH’s eye appt at the hospital yesterday.

Infertility is a bitch. There, I said it. Infertility isn’t just the inability to get pregnant. This is very important to understand and recognize. Since embarking on my TTC journey back in 2009, I’ve been extremely fortunate to virtually (and physically) meet a ton of women who understand the struggles I am going through and WILL go through on my path to have a child.  I’ve met woman who are the strongest people I’ve known in my entire life actually.  Baby loss / pregnancy loss is a huge part of the infertility battle, one that doesn’t exactly get talked about as openly as it should. This journey is SUCH a personal struggle, battle, path that we all need to be mindful of those around us in everyday life.  There is a strikingly good chance that a close friend of yours has struggled with infertility.  Maybe their spoiled only-child is the result of years of ttc and loss. Please consider this & be mindful when those around you seem sad, distant, depressed and reach out your hand to them. Please don’t judge or taunt a young married couple as to when are they ever going to start having children. 

Here are some website that may be interesting or useful for gaining come knowledge on this subject:

Infertility Awareness Week 2012

CDC Fertility Stats

After a Miscarriage

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