Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the tag “patience”

“Lord grant me …

“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

One Year Anny

Knock on wood, but it’s a relief to be feeling normal again physically. Back to my old self.

I have been puttering around the house, finally cleaning, organizing, & running a couple errands when I decided to finally have a seat and relax. Of course there’s never really time for relaxation, as there’s always weird TTC research to be done. 

But then I remembered, I needed to write in my blog what I was thankful for today. So I came here and logged onto WordPress. I had a little trophy picture at the top of my blog: “Happy Anniversary with WordPress.”  So it’s been a year. I could take it someplace dark and say, it’s been a year and I am still childless and no better off than I was when I started this damn thing.

OR I could suck up the pain, try to stay positive, and say that despite still being childless, I’ve grown & learned so much this past year. Sometimes I feel like the’ Little Engine Who Could’; I somehow keep chugging along even when I feel like giving up. But there’s hope. Somewhere there’s hope. There’s got to be a light at the end of this tunnel. Hasn’t there?

So, today I am thankful to have some strength back, ‘The Bible’ on the History Channel, good friends, & learning how to practice patience.

 

Beautiful Moments

I’m sitting here on the couch drinking my hot tea. My castor oil pack is warming my tummy. I just came from a bath with some olive oil & baking soda, which helped soothe my dry skin. Sometimes I take a step back and wonder if all this is worth it? By now, my fertility tea, the castor oil, acupuncture, the maya massage, no caffeine, drinking only filtered water out of glass, wearing slippers when its cold (the list goes on) has all become such habit, such a part of everyday life that I tend to forget it all started with TTC. TTC has made me a much healthier, conscious person, if nothing else.

A friend of mine experienced a natural birth with her 3rd baby 3 weeks ago. I’ve been patiently awaiting the pictures or a video from the birth, since she hired a birth photographer. I was taken aback when, tonight, I saw her slideshow from her experience. I was brought to tears & immediately felt refreshed. In an instant, all the stress I had been dealing with today seemed to melt away. It became unimportant. I felt a closeness to my friend that I hadn’t felt before. As a woman, I felt proud and powerful. As a fellow ttc’er, I felt inspired and humbled. I felt connected.

I can’t say if I’ll have a natural birth, an epidural, be induced, or a c-section. I’d like to think I have the determination and power inside of me to have a natural birth. I think when you’ve fought for something for so many years, that you gain a certain wisdom and strength that not everybody has. The fire inside of me got ignited a little tonight.

So when I have these moments where I wonder, ‘is this all going to be worth it?’ I’m reassured that it will be. It’ll be worth every moment… God willing.

Just a Quickie?

A quickie… blog post.

As the evening quickly approaches, I am still waiting for my husband to get home from work. He was supposed to be home 2 hours ago. Fail. The suitcases are packed, I picked us up BOGO Starbucks, our huge snack bag is even in the car already. The only thing left is our dog & us.

I’ve never been a fan of waiting. I am a woman with a plan, a schedule, a timeline. I am very organized – this helps me remain calm even in the storm. I tend to arrive just on time or even a few minutes late to doctor’s appointments or parties just to avoid the wait! The anticipation of waiting gives me anxiety. My mind wanders, I get antsy, I always get the urge to poop for some reason. Its like when you have an OB/GYN or RE appointment… if you just walk straight into the exam room & get probed by the wand of shame before you have time to get scared, things tend to go a lot smoother!

Patience, Faith & Perserverance

As I sit here at my craft desk, listening to Pandora (my Glee station is my absolute fav when working), the Bruno Mars song Talking To The Moon comes on. This song is really special to me. Its a song I sing to my baby, who is out there somewhere in the universe. I have been reaching out to them for years now, yet cannot seem to reach them. As I type this, I am beginning to cry & sob. It’s hard to type through my tear stained glasses. It’s not a cry of sorrow necessarily, its a cry of desperation, disappointment & emptiness. It’s the pain I feel inside, it’s the hopeless and longing I have in my soul. I can’t really describe what it feels like to want something so bad and yet never be able to attain it. With every fiber of my being, I want to meet my child. I picture myself reaching my arms out to him or her, and they are reaching back. One day we will meet & it will be sheer bliss. My life will be fulfilled then. But until then, there is emptiness in my heart that nothing can ever fill. I have suffered a lot of loss, not just miscarriages, in my short 31 years. The hole it leaves in your heart is sometimes unbearable. I used to hold my emotions back, and bury them deep inside myself. I don’t allow myself to do that anymore. If I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness, I weep. I know the only way to get through this is to pray for patience, keep my faith & to perservere.

“I Know You’re Somewhere Out There. Somewhere Far Away.”

Finding My Own Path

I made a vlog this morning on one of my other websites discussing my feelings & thoughts about this cycle. I shared some insights, a few frustrations, a little confusion, and what i tentatively would like to do in the next week. A few hours later {and after some more introspection} I decided to get caught up on my daily fertility radio station passage for the day: Following Your Inner Guidance    It fit perfectly for what I am {and have been} going through on this “new” fertility journey.

I feel myself at an almost constant conflict between heart and mind, and I usually let my mind win. But fertility and my path to having a child isn’t an analytical procedure like a test I’d perform in the lab. My mindset as a scientist, by career, overshadows my feelings in my heart many times. If there is a problem, there’s a solution. Sometimes critical thinking and problem solving aren’t the answers to why i’m not pregnant. And I know for some of my friends, its difficult to give me advice because I am battling between what seems like 2 separate personalities. The mind-thinking part wants answers, wants to try everything to fix the problem, over-analyses everything, lives in fear. The heart-minded part of me, which listens to my intuition, is vastly different. And this is the part of my soul that I’m desperately trying to listen to and nurture more on this path. Its a Jekyll & Hyde type scenario happening inside me.

So for my friends who casually read this blog, please be patient with me. Please encourage me and support my decisions or my lack of decisions. It may not always make sense to you but i am learning as I go too. For my blog friends & TTCer followers, please listen to your heart. Accept modern medicine and all it can help you with, if you need it. But work on yourself first & make decisions with a sense of peace, not fear or desperation.

So, here are some key points & notes I took from the session:

Recognizing the difference between Fear or desperation-based decision making vs. Knowing or love-based decision making

Not being afraid to make decision based on how you feel deep in your heart.

Insight: follow your intuition.

Deciding from within, what your path is.

No one outside of you knows what’s best for you, only you do.

Finding a way to still the mind, and not make decisions based on fear, but rather listening to your heart and following your own fertility path.

Find stillness, look within, and you’ll be lead on your path.

Patience

“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.

Thanks, Aristotle, for that insight. Patience is a virtue i think alot of us struggle with. “Lord, give me patience now!” Is a common “funny” quote I see float around Facebook, blogs, church, etc. but its a pretty honest statement. I’m calling myself out on it. I know that all the cliches apply. Good things do come to those who wait….but the waiting can be difficult. It all comes back to remaining calm, trusting in God (or whatever concept of a higher being you recognize) and yourself, and honestly just keeping your mind off of it. I am not the best at this, but am trying to do better.

So Aristotle, you were right. Its hard to remain patient month after month, year after year, but the end result from all that patience and steadfastness will be worth it.

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