Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the tag “trying to conceive”

List Making

I haven’t written an entry in a long time.  I don’t really feel like writing a long post about what’s new, blah, because nothing is really going on in my life.  So I decided to sit down and make a list that I’ve had in my head for 4 years now.  The list is actually 2 lists:

What I did during the cycles where I got a BFP (big fat positive) that I think may have helped and…

What I did during cycles that didn’t result in a BFP, and what I think didn’t help.

HELPED

  • Yoga
  • Good sex
  • Fertility tea
  • Meditation and prayer
  • No caffeine
  • Moderate isolation and seclusion
  • A consistent daily schedule
  • A clear schedule
  • Drink lots of water
  • Use Preseed
  • Ovulation meds (half my bfps)
  • Positive attitude
  • Mental calm
  • Keeping my mind occupied
  • Using arnica gel
  • Talking to spirit baby
  • Maya abdominal massage
  • Chiropractor
  • Acupuncture around my period
  • Resting a lot

DIDN’T HELP

  • Fear
  • Not in the mood for sex
  • Bad cervical mucus
  • Giving up hope
  • Being too busy
  • Lack of exercise or too vigorous exercise
  • STRESS
  • Getting bad labwork results
  • Schedule too hectic
  • Not being at home
  • Restlessness
  • Fighting or arguing with spouse

 

So you can all take these for what they’re worth. Maybe they will help you, maybe they won’t. Feel free to add comments about what has worked for you. I just felt like I needed to type these lists out, so I can reflect on them, and refer back to them in future TTC endeavors.

 

Cheers

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Ignorance is Bliss

I feel like the more I know, the less I want to know. 

I sometimes wish I could go back in time to the days of childhood, or even the teenage years, when I was pretty much clueless about real life. I would relish those times a little more if given the chance.  The older you get, the more you realize how F*ed up life can be.  You realize all your friends have F*ed up lives too, so that helps. No one is immune to struggle & drama.

That being said, recently some family issues have been brought to my attention that have been occurring over last 7 or so years. I had been kept in the dark for different reasons, including my parents not wanting to add additional burdens to me.  Well, that’s all fine and dandy but having almost a decade of steaming shit dropped onto your shoulders all at once is pretty intense, especially when this coincides with other life struggles (the ectopic, my dh being gone, etc). 

When I think about my fertility journey, I also find myself wishing I could go back in time before I was jaded and suffered so much loss.  I know that I’ll never experience pregnancy in that carefree, joyful way that I would have if my first pregnancy worked out.  I feel a little robbed of that joy, which makes my heart sad.  I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, due to a forced TTC break, and honestly I know my body needed this break.  I am exhausted in all aspects of life. I cannot imagine being pregnant and enduring the amount of stress I’ve endured the last couple months.

I change my mind daily about how to proceed with trying-to-conceive. One day I want to save for IVF at a clinic in another state. One day I just want to go visit the clinic for testing, but not worry about treatments because I’m not ready. One day I am scared to death to ever get pregnant again, then the next day I consider adoption. The fact that I don’t know what to do tells me I am not ready to make that sort of decision yet. 

I still know I’ll be a mom one day, but I’m not sure how it will all transpire. In the meantime, I continue to build my ever-changing baby hoard and learn as much as I can. When I’m not a sobbing, emotional mess, I spend time with my friends’ babies. But sometimes you just need a flipping break. My brain has been on drama-stress overload for too long, and so has my body. So it’s time to hit the reset button.

Scratch That Itch, Baby

I was taking a bath this evening, relaxing & sweating like a whore in church. I guess technically it was a detox bath, but all my baths are detox baths then. Regardless, I usually never sweat. I know it’s from all the crap I’ve been shoving in my mouth lately, but I also hope it’s a sign AF is coming soon, and my body is ready to expel some nastiness. Once my beta reaches zero I cam properly detox and I cannot wait!

Although it’s been great not having a period for over 6 weeks, I’m ready to move past this ectopic. It seems like it ended a long time ago & physically I feel normal, but the weekly blood draws & being forbidden from taking all vitamins & folic acid is a friendly reminder. It’s become like this nagging itch in the middle of my back. You know, when you have to rub yourself on a wall corner like a weirdo to get relief? That’s it.

For those interested, I use a combo of epsom salts, baking soda and sometimes sea salt in my bath. I’ll add lavender essential oil when I have it, also.

Dream a Dream

I had a playlist on my iPhone I would listen to nightly when I gave myself my lovenox shot this past cycle. The same “Spirit Baby” playlist from CD 10 and on. About halfway through the month, I added “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis to the list. I’ve always loved the song & with the recent release of the box office version, it popped back into my mind. But as soon as I added it, I knew it seemed a bit out of place. 
A week later I added “Come What May” from Moulin Rouge (…and because it happened to be on Glee). Hmm I should have picked up on the changing vibe then, but I didn’t. 
My songs I would sing to my spirit baby went a little dark. It was almost as if my subconscious could sense things were going south long before the storm. 
Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, my subconscious was indeed right. And my ectopic adventure began…

I blogged about the night I stopped listening to my playlist. It’s too fresh and painful to listen to it still. But the one song that I catch myself singing constantly is still I Dreamed a Dream. I always saw this baby as a girl, and these words never rang truer than now. 

“And still I dream she’ll come to me
That we will live the years together.
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather.
I had a dream my life would be
So much different from this hell I’m living.
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream…
I dreamed.”

JOIN THE MOVEMENT…Unsilence the Silence

Bloggers Unite

Bloggers Unite


If you look at me, I don’t look remarkable. I’m a plain 30-something, healthy & thin college educated married woman.

But I am infertile. I hate the word infertile. I would never label myself as infertile, but I think sometimes you need to use these “labels” to get people’s attentions. I am the face of multiple miscarriage & autoimmune disease. I don’t look sick, but I am.

Infertility isn’t a choice. It’s not an effect of my lifestyle. I was born this way. 1 out of every 8 couples {of reproductive age} suffer with infertility. There’s a very good chance that your close friends have struggled with infertility without you even knowing! That’s because there is such a stigma around the topic. And that needs to change. My husband and I suffer in silence, with only a few close friends being in our inner circle of knowing. People look at you different when you have a hard time conceiving, but they look even more uncomfortable when you tell them you’ve had 4 miscarriages. It’s a look that is a cross between pity and uncomfortable. Society feels these emotions of confusion because they are uneducated.

What everyone needs to understand is, like any other chronic condition or disease, infertility is something you suffer with, take medication for, see specialists for, and cry your eyes out about. My 22 year old brother was just diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes a few days ago… talk about a shock. But he and I are the same – we both have illnesses. The difference in society is his is recognized as legitimate & acceptable but mine is not.

Bearing a child is the greatest gift God can bestow upon you as a woman. For those of us who struggle and work years upon years to attain this joyful gift, and never do… there is no comfort to our hearts. Resolve is working to make our lives a little easier. To bring attention and funding to those couples or single women who need it most. And all we ask is that you listen with an open mind.

Please educate yourself by viewing the links listed below. Small steps lead to big changes.

 

 

Psycho Numbers

Do you ever look at the clock and it always seems to be a certain time?  I remember when I was little I would see 3:33 all the time. Like, obsessively. Granted, I am a tad OCD anyways. Well, I don’t see 3:33 anymore, but there have been these two numbers that I have been seeing everywhere for almost a year now.  I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out what these numbers may mean. Of course, as a TTCer, I think “Is this going to be a beta number? My conception date? A baby’s birthday?”

But then I was listening to a podcast a few weeks ago that sort of blew my mind. The speaker said sometimes we see a certain number or word repeatively and instead of obsessing over it’s possible meaning, just take it as a sign. So I pondered to myself, maybe by seeing these psycho recurring numbers, its simply a sign that God is with me. And I, being thick-headed and stubborn, just needed an obvious sign that HE is with me.  Then I decided to take it a step further.

Today, I have already seen these two numbers. And each time I did, I stopped and thought of something I was grateful for.  Little things like the nice weather, being alive, getting errands ran, being motivated.  I realized they don’t have to be giant life-changing events.  Its so easy to focus on the bad things that happen everyday that we forget about everything that actually went right.  Even if it’s as small as nothing caught on fire or blew up in the kitchen.

I know this is all part of my path to gratitude and joyful living.  And trust me – it is not easy. It’s a journey, just like trying to conceive. 

Change

A change needs to be made.  Not necessarily a physical change, although I do need a haircut, but an inward change. I’ve had a few friends who have been working hand-in-hand with me throughout this crazy cycle, keeping me sane, reassuring me, empathizing with me, etc.  I don’t know what I’d do without them. Especially when other outside support just isn’t there. This journey towards me having my baby may seem simple from the outside, but it’s not. It’s been anything but simple.  I thought it wouldn’t be bad, back 4 years ago, when I first put the tip of my toes into the pool of TTC… boy was I wrong. I would really give almost anything to go back to that place. Back before I was so hurt & was struggling on what seems like a daily basis to even function in a world filled with fertile women and their 2.5 babies. I recognize I am very jaded, deeply changed on a cellular level, and left feeling chronically “not enough” thanks to my inability to conceive.  I am being honest with myself and that isn’t easy either. My eyes have been opened many times throughout my life. I’ve seen the proverbial “light” several times and had my share of epiphanies.  I guess this is just another drop in the bucket of epiphanies. But this time, it’s darker. It’s darker because I feel like a lot is resting on this need to make a change within myself.  Like… my entire life happiness and success.

My acupuncturist, who has become a close friend and confidant, as well as a spiritual guide (if you will) said to me I need to love & accept myself (mind, body and soul) completely before my baby can comfortably come to me.  She’s right. If my future baby / spirit baby is anything like me, then I know he or she needs 100% self acceptance. I can show all the love in the world to my future baby’s soul, but can I show the same love to myself?  No, I can’t.

When you’re TTC I think its really natural to get down on yourself & have negative self talk.  “My uterus is broke,” “If only I would ovulate sooner,” “I need to lose weight before I can have a baby,” etc etc etc. How is this helpful in any way? I think we feel like we are less of a woman, wife, mother, etc if we aren’t able to have a baby. Even if there is zero pressure or negativity from our friends, husbands, etc. we still carry that burdon on our shoulders.  And do we really need extra baggage to carry on top of the insurmountable baggage we already carry? No.

My friend told me about this podcast / video from a woman named Brene Brown, who spoke on vulnerability and shame.  Talk about an eye opener. At the very end of the video, there was a picture of a woman’s chest and written on it in black ink was I Am Enough.

I don’t know where that feeling of not being worthy or feeling like you’re not enough comes from. But for me, I am determined to figure it out. I’m sure it’s going to be grueling and painful, and I know it wont happen overnight. But I am determined to travel deep within my psyche in order to make myself a better person. In turn, I do believe it will help me greatly along this TTC path, and help my one day baby love herself and be as strong as I know I am.

 

 

 

Never Give Up

This week while on my drive to my acupuncture session, I was listening to my “Wicked” cd in the car. Somehow this became a ritual for me anytime I make the drive to the city. Maybe its because it helps pass the time since it’s an hour drive, maybe it’s because it’s my favorite soundtrack to sing like a maniac to. I think when you’ve had pregnancy losses or are trying to conceive, the meanings of songs can take on a different light. Take a traditional love song for instance. Most people would hear the song & think about their spouse or loved one. I find myself singing the song to my spirit baby who is still out in the universe waiting for me, or to those I have lost. “Defying Gravity” is one of those songs.

This song is extremely empowering to me. It’s all about taking chances, listening to your heart, and going after what you want when you finally reach that turning point, despite the outcome. And isn’t that what TTC is all about? I believe it rings very true.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game (<— best part)
Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep

It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap
It’s time to try defying gravity
I think I’ll try defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down

I really like this second verse, about not accepting limitations that an outside person may bestow upon you. Not falling victim to labels about your infertility, or lab results. This cannot define who you are.

I’m through accepting limits because someone says they’re so (<— good, right?)
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try, I'll never know

There’s been times during this journey where I’ve felt very lonely. It’s difficult to feel isolated, not by choice, because you’re 31 and childless. It’s difficult to see everyone around you attaining fertility & having their healthy babies, while you’re still muddling through darkness. But just because I may feel alone, does not mean I cannot achieve my goal. I have not lost hope & know that nothing can hold me back from my dreams as long as I keep believing in myself. Yeah, that’s cheesy, but it’s true.

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky
As someone told me lately – everyone deserves a chance to fly
And if I’m flying solo
At least I’m flying free

This cycle I will close my eyes… and leap.

Rolling Right Along

This week sure has been a stressful one, but thankfully tomorrow is Sunday & the start of a new week.

I’ve been trying to eat better. I was doing really good about my healthy food choices, but this week it all went to hell. Despite being on birth control, I am fairly certain I did ovulate and am in my fake 2WW… thus the cravings and all-around grumpiness. Those low-dose BCP’s never have been strong enough to stop my ovaries from churning out eggs.

So after stuffing my face with sushi & ice cream this evening (it was actually only a little ice cream), I decided I needed to do a castor oil pack AND a detox bath. Sure, its mainly for fertility reasons, but if some of that salty sweetness I shoved in my face detoxes out, I won’t complain. What is making me sad is that my heating pad I use for the castor oil packs appears to be dying a slow death. And my favorite hot water bottle has also kicked the bucket! I think it has a hole in it somewhere. So sad. Any woman knows the hot water bottle is a miracle healer. I always said if the house was on fire, I would grab the hot water bottle.

I stop my birth control pills on Feb 4th, which is now only 2 1/2 weeks away, so I’m rolling right along.

M & M

I really like Mike & Molly. (The sitcom on CBS). I especially enjoy the show now that the couple is TTC. For those of you who don’t watch, its about a newly married couple in their 30’s, both on the heavy side & a lot of fun. A “real” couple.  He is a cop and she is a teacher. Anyways, when they started talking about trying to have a baby on the show, I knew I would be able to relate. Unlike most Hollywood movies & shows, I don’t think Mike & Molly will be miraculously pregnant after the first time they toss the birth control.  Molly is shown trying to choke down her tea, which she drinks now instead of coffee. They’ve kicked alcohol & fatty foods. They are even shown eating fish for breakfast to get their omega-3’s. This makes my heart warm & happy.

I know Mike & Molly are fictional characters, but I hope they don’t get pregnant right away. I hope the producers of the television show understand what infertility is really like & are ready to step outside the box a little, and show America. I feel like they need it.

At the end of the episode tonight, after all their decaffination and apple-eating, they broke down & pigged out. I did the exact same thing tonight. And it felt just as good.

Sometimes its ok to not be perfect. It doesn’t mean you’ve ruined everything you’ve been working toward. It just means you’re human.

 

 

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