Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the tag “trying to concieve”

Sunshine Award

What a nice gift on a Tuesday.  My blog has been nominated for a Sunshine Award! Very exciting indeed.  I want to thank Jesselyn over at http://everylittlethingsgonnabealright.wordpress.com/ for my nomination. This is an award that is given to writers who brighten other people’s days. I feel like my blogs are 90% madness / 10% humorous. If they brighten your day, then you too must be a little mad.  As my buddy the Mad Hatter says, “We’re all mad here.”

sunshine award

 

So, here are the rules:

  • Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post
  • Include a link to the blogger who nominated you (above)
  • Answer 10 questions about yourself
  • Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award
  • Link to your nominees and let them know you nominated them

 

Here are the 10 questions that were asked of me:

  1. What is your deepest fear? Failure. Failure at _________.  Insert about any word.
  2. If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it? freaking sock a lot away for fertility treatments, probably buy a ton of baby swag, get new cars, invest & donate.
  3. Why do you blog? Anonymous blogging is one of the only non-judgmental outlets I have when it comes to my fertility journey. I’m still “in the closet” to 90% of my real life friends. Blogging also lets me interact and relate to others who go through similar circumstances.
  4. If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who would it be? I’d have to say my husband, because I miss him so much.
  5. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? architect, horticulturalist and/or a Broadway star.
  6. What is a meal from childhood that you crave? I don’t particularly remember eating anything too appetizing as a youngster. I crave macaroni & cheese and my mom’s Thanksgiving stuffing.
  7. Name 3 of your weirdest quirks. Only 3??? 1) I sing to my cat.  I make up lyrics to existing songs, but also have some originals.  2) I use hand sanitizer like a mofo, total germaphobe. But this is for many reasons. I have a bad immune system & I am a med tech (lab worker) by trade. 3) I have to have all my pillows (5) perfectly aligned before I go to sleep. I also can’t have to pillowcases bunching up, they have to be smooth. 
  8. What quality of your hero do you wish you had? Complete faith in God & also myself.
  9. What is the one thing that can always make you smile when you feel really sad? The Golden Girls & pictures of cats lol
  10. What kind of candy describes you and why? A chocolate truffle.  Looks plain on the outside, but on the inside it’s gooey and delicious.

And the nominees are:

http://ahundredaffections.wordpress.com/
http://ourlastembryoblog.wordpress.com/
http://alliwanttodooo.wordpress.com/
http://ambivalentjourney.wordpress.com/
http://newtoivf.wordpress.com/
http://inconceivable12.wordpress.com/
http://frommybathtub.wordpress.com/
http://thoughtprovokingmoments.wordpress.com/
http://barrenandunemployed.wordpress.com/
http://survivingbabydreams.wordpress.com/

Here are your 10 questions to answer:

1) When you got nominated, did you sing “You are my sunshine” in your head?
2) Why & when did you start your blog?
3) Name 3 ways your fertility journey has impacted your life today.
4) If you could go back, what would you do differently?
5) … what would you keep the same?
6) Name an embarrassing story so we can all laugh at you… errrr with you!
7) Do you have a favorite vacation that you’ve took?
8) Name one thing you have to get accomplished this week, no matter how big or small.
9) State one tidbit of advice for those still strolling on the journey towards reaching their goal of a baby.
10) Favorite dessert?

and…………..GO!

CD3 – Yet Another New Beginning

I realize I owe a update for where my last cycle stands. It was our first medicated / monitored cycle with the RE {Reproductive Endocrinologist}. Where I left off was in November after a few days of stimming. My e2 (estradiol) levels were a whopping 1500. My medication dosage was being backed off slowly, as to not overstimulate me. And by “overstimulate” I guess I don’t mean OHSS. Rather,  my doctor didn’t want me to produce more than 3 or so mature follicles by the end of my cycle since I said I wouldn’t “selectively reduce.”  That’s a whole other blog topic there.

So, my Bravelle was lowered & lowered again. And then my estrogen bottomed out.

It went from 1500 to 620 then to 217. Major FAIL. This all happened around a weekend. Now, I need to state that my RE’s office isn’t down the road from our house. It’s over an hour away. So for 6 days in a row, I drove back & forth to the office and the lab to figure out what was happening with this e2 level.

My medication was upped again to 1 Bravelle, then 2 Bravelle & 1 Menopur, then 2 B & 1 M. Lord Jesus, I could not wait until Monday came around to see what was happening on the ultrasound screen. Luckily, my husband was off for a 4 day weekend, so he was there to bear the brunt of the crazy with me,

Monday came & I prayed before the ultrasound (just as I did every time but once). I thought for sure that there would be nothing on the screen. That I had lost all my follies.

But they were in there!  A few huge ones & lots of other ones. I was shocked, relieved & very concerned all at once. With an estrodial level so low, how did I have all these follicles? Every mature follicle should produce about 200-300 (according to my own doctor’s stats) units of estrogen. Some doctors will say each should produce 100 units. Either way, my blood levels did not match what I was seeing on the screen. No one really had answers for me at this point, other than my e2 finally went back up to 590 & I was to trigger that night.

So my husband gave me my Lupron trigger & we did what we needed to do over the next few days, blindly hoping for the best. I started my regular supplements. A laundry list of hormones in pill forms, suppositories & patches. I had been doing my Lovenox injections every day since I started the stims, as well as my NeevoDHA, baby aspirin & folbic. It was a lot to remember. None of them I minded more than the Lovenox. It’s just such a bitch of a shot.

Well, we hoped for good news, but in my heart I sort of knew it wasn’t happening. The estrogen snafu threw me for a loop & I knew something there wasn’t right.

My hcg came back negative last Thursday, but it was expected. I had tested at home a few times beforehand, which originally I said I was not going to do. But in my heart, I needed to be mentally prepared for that news. When my nurse called, I did not cry. I was upset, but I had done my crying the days prior. I was ready to move on by this point. And I was happy to get a small break from the Lovenox to let my belly heal.

So today is CD3. AGAIN. It’s the same old song & dance, isn’t it? I wonder how many cycle day 3’s I’ve had since I started TTC? Surely there have been a lot.

I visited with my RE yesterday for a follow-up & to get a gameplan for the future. It seems like just yesterday when I was walking into their office for the first time, but over 4 months have come and gone. My next monitored cycle will happen in February, with the commencement of bcp’s after my January AF (menstrual cycle). If we want to, we can try naturally this month while we’re on vacation (mmm vacation sex), but that means dragging along the bag of goodies (progesterone, lovenox, etc).  As always, we’ll continue patience & see what the future holds.

 

 

 

Scatterbrained…

I have a bunch of scattered thoughts that I’m not sure amount to a any specific blog topic. But I just wanted to share a little of what is going on, especially since I haven’t written in awhile.

I can’t say for sure what CD (cycle day) I’m on. The HSG + femara cycle threw my body for a loop & I haven’t had a true period since. What I do know is that I’m glad to be off birth control! Let’s take a step back…

After I had my HSG, bloodwork, husband’s tests, etc. I had my follow-up with my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to discuss his game plan for us. After discussing everything, he suggested a timed intercourse cycle with Bravelle & Menopur. I think “timed intercourse” is a silly phrase. I was just thrilled IUI or IVF wasn’t mentioned right off the bat. Although there wasn’t a real reason it would be, I was still nervous.

So the very same day, I was instructed to start my first birth control pill. THIS was not something I had planned on. Ever. Because of my past issues with lupus, autoimmune issues, clotting disorders, estrogen was always said to be a big no-no. What was this doctor thinking prescribing me birth control pills!?? The nurse said it was a low dose & I would only be on them for 3 weeks. They needed to make sure that when the time was right, they can control over my ovulation. They didn’t want me ovulating on my own, too early, etc. I was going to be monitored (ultrasounds + estradiol levels) basically every other day once I started my stims. I reluctantly agreed to the bcp’s because I DID see the big picture.

I encountered some resistence from my friends & husband when I told them about the protocol, understandably. I explained to one friend that nothing worth having comes easy. And TTC and all it involves is not always 100% comfortable. Things don’t always go as we have planned. So this was just a small step towards our miracle.

And it was a small step! I ended the birth control a few days ago. Other than a little nausea & some crazy sore boobs near the end, it was easy. Of course, hormones & emotions have been flying too… But that’s all part of the deal 🙂

On Friday, I have my visit to the Doc to get my baseline ultrasound, bloodwork, instructions on how to use my medicines & I start my injections (hopefully). I’ll also start my Lovenox on the same day.

In the middle of all of this, I had a birthday. It seemed to come & go mysteriously, leaving me at the ripe age of 31. Saying I am 31 is bizarre & feels foreign still. I don’t feel any different but know I am officially in my “thirties” now. Again, this is very strange. I’m happy to have made it this far & learned as much as I have. I’ve been through a lot of struggles which have made me a better person. A better 31 year old woman.

Today, I have an acupuncture appointment to get my “zen on.” I am also looking forward to some goodies coming in the mail 🙂 (a birthday present from a sweet friend, some items for my craft business, and some items for future baby) You have to look for the little blessings in life, every day. They’re not always going to be these huge, life changing miracles. I’ll be waiting for that type of blessing in 10 months.

Til next time…

The Childless Couple on the Block

This is a blog I’ve wanted to write for about 2 months now. I’m especially inspired to write it when I walk my dog…

We moved 2 1/2 months ago now. I found out I was pregnant on the day we moved in actually, which you all know ended in an early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy actually). The first week we arrived, I had 2 friendly neighbors approach me with hellos & immediately ask if we have kids. When I sadly hesitated and said no, they spouted off a bit about “waiting,” and “kids drain your energy” and “we’re smart to not be in a rush.” The typical rhetoric a 30-something, childless married woman gets on what seems like a daily basis.

As I started getting into a groove at the new house & walking the dog, it became evident pretty quickly that we were the childless couple on the block. Our homes are duplexes (two attached homes) in my community and yard after yard I saw children’s toys, play houses, sandboxes. House after house. This is something I think about everyday I walk my dog. I just look into people’s yards… little fenced yards all in a  row, all the same. Houses all the same. With the one exception that our home has a clothesline, grill & no children playing.

I don’t know if we’ll ever have children in our yard.  Dealing with that reality each day can be difficult. It can be sorrowful or depressing at times. Anyone trying to have a baby understands the pain & hopelessness that can be associated with it, especially if it is over a few years timespan. For my neighbors’ sake, I hope this isn’t something they ever had to experience. I hope they were spared. Because even though misery loves company & its easier to connect to a woman going through a similar situation, this isn’t something I’d wish on anyone.

So today, I pray that its in our cards to one day have a yard filled with laughing & happy children.

 Til next time…

 

 

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