Daily Blessings

Throughout this fertility journey, no matter how much life has thrown at me, I will remember my blessings & affirmations each day.

Archive for the tag “ttc”

Sunshine Award

What a nice gift on a Tuesday.  My blog has been nominated for a Sunshine Award! Very exciting indeed.  I want to thank Jesselyn over at http://everylittlethingsgonnabealright.wordpress.com/ for my nomination. This is an award that is given to writers who brighten other people’s days. I feel like my blogs are 90% madness / 10% humorous. If they brighten your day, then you too must be a little mad.  As my buddy the Mad Hatter says, “We’re all mad here.”

sunshine award

 

So, here are the rules:

  • Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post
  • Include a link to the blogger who nominated you (above)
  • Answer 10 questions about yourself
  • Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award
  • Link to your nominees and let them know you nominated them

 

Here are the 10 questions that were asked of me:

  1. What is your deepest fear? Failure. Failure at _________.  Insert about any word.
  2. If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it? freaking sock a lot away for fertility treatments, probably buy a ton of baby swag, get new cars, invest & donate.
  3. Why do you blog? Anonymous blogging is one of the only non-judgmental outlets I have when it comes to my fertility journey. I’m still “in the closet” to 90% of my real life friends. Blogging also lets me interact and relate to others who go through similar circumstances.
  4. If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who would it be? I’d have to say my husband, because I miss him so much.
  5. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? architect, horticulturalist and/or a Broadway star.
  6. What is a meal from childhood that you crave? I don’t particularly remember eating anything too appetizing as a youngster. I crave macaroni & cheese and my mom’s Thanksgiving stuffing.
  7. Name 3 of your weirdest quirks. Only 3??? 1) I sing to my cat.  I make up lyrics to existing songs, but also have some originals.  2) I use hand sanitizer like a mofo, total germaphobe. But this is for many reasons. I have a bad immune system & I am a med tech (lab worker) by trade. 3) I have to have all my pillows (5) perfectly aligned before I go to sleep. I also can’t have to pillowcases bunching up, they have to be smooth. 
  8. What quality of your hero do you wish you had? Complete faith in God & also myself.
  9. What is the one thing that can always make you smile when you feel really sad? The Golden Girls & pictures of cats lol
  10. What kind of candy describes you and why? A chocolate truffle.  Looks plain on the outside, but on the inside it’s gooey and delicious.

And the nominees are:

http://ahundredaffections.wordpress.com/
http://ourlastembryoblog.wordpress.com/
http://alliwanttodooo.wordpress.com/
http://ambivalentjourney.wordpress.com/
http://newtoivf.wordpress.com/
http://inconceivable12.wordpress.com/
http://frommybathtub.wordpress.com/
http://thoughtprovokingmoments.wordpress.com/
http://barrenandunemployed.wordpress.com/
http://survivingbabydreams.wordpress.com/

Here are your 10 questions to answer:

1) When you got nominated, did you sing “You are my sunshine” in your head?
2) Why & when did you start your blog?
3) Name 3 ways your fertility journey has impacted your life today.
4) If you could go back, what would you do differently?
5) … what would you keep the same?
6) Name an embarrassing story so we can all laugh at you… errrr with you!
7) Do you have a favorite vacation that you’ve took?
8) Name one thing you have to get accomplished this week, no matter how big or small.
9) State one tidbit of advice for those still strolling on the journey towards reaching their goal of a baby.
10) Favorite dessert?

and…………..GO!

CD26

I am posting this in order to hold myself accountable for not updating on my fertility journey, or lack thereof.  I promise to post an update in the next week.  My DH is still gone & there is nothing life shattering happening at the moment, so don’t get your panties in a bunch 🙂

Cheers.

Melatonin: My New Frenemy

I have to confess that I’ve been taking sublingual vitamins for 2+ months now for sleep.  They’re produced by Nature Made and they’re appropriately called VitaMelts SLEEP.  A friend of mine came to visit a couple months ago and she let me try them. She’s a night shift worker just like I used to be a night shift worker… and 2 years later my body still has sleep issues.  Anyways, they worked. 

So I’ve been taking 1 pill about every night.  It’s a tasty little chocolate flavored bedtime snack. They whisper, “here… you’ve had a rough day…you deserve a restful slumber.”  Well thank you vitamelt, don’t mind if I do. 

Well all that shit hit the fan today. I have absolutely no idea how I stumbled upon this information, but I’m glad I did.  I know back when I was TTC a long time ago I did some research about melatonin and decided I should refrain from taking it. I think I found out why. This is directly from the Mayo Clinic’s website. And it’s regarding Melatonin:

“Avoid use in women who are pregnant or are attempting to become pregnant, based on possible hormonal effects and a possible increased risk of developmental disorders.” 

Pregnancy and Breastfeeding  

“Melatonin supplementation should be avoided in women who are pregnant or attempting to become pregnant, based on possible hormonal effects. High levels of melatonin during pregnancy may increase the risk of developmental disorders. In animal studies, melatonin was detected in breast milk and therefore should be avoided during breastfeeding. In men, decreased sperm motility and decreased sperm count are reported with the use of melatonin.”

Fuck.

So the last part is what troubles me the most, because my husband has told me he has recently been using a sleep aid (Dream Water… another delicious sleep treat). Of course, I immediately emailed him this info and the link to the website, swearing to also kick my melatonin habit.
What’s ironic is I had already taken my pill before I started this blog entry.

*sigh* so long old friend…

Sandra

I don’t know how well you know me. If you knew me well, you’d know that I don’t let very many people into my life.  To be invited into the inner sanctum of my world is a privilege that you have to earn.  You need to ask yourself, “Do I really want to fall down this rabbit hole with you?”  I tend not to let people in unless I know they can be trusted and are emotionally invested in my life for the long run.  If I don’t see you playing a role in my life in the next 5 or so years, don’t expect to be welcomed in.  I’m not a fan of leaving myself open to vulnerability.  This is clearly a defense / coping mechanism I have.
 
But sometimes there are small but profound moments in your life that touch your heart so much, that you have to second guess these coping mechanisms.  Tonight was one of those nights. 

I was at a gathering at a friend’s house that was being held to say goodbye to a fellow spouse in our coffee group.  This lady is very special to me, though I’m not sure I’ve ever said it to her in so many words.  As you can infer from the above paragraph, I’m not exactly OPEN about my life’s journey let alone my fertility struggles.  But very shortly after I met this woman, I discovered that she too had suffered through years of infertility and had 4 losses, just like me. There’s something about a person who has suffered such tragic but personal loss…there’s something in there eyes.  I can see always see it.  I’m not sure if its a gift I have or if its just something I recognize because I have it too.  Its a beautiful yet heartbreaking connection.  Was it kismet for our paths to cross?  About a year ago, my husband had just started a new job position and these two women (the one whose house we were at and the one leaving) welcomed me with genuine open arms.  Between them, they had been through 15 years of infertility and they knew my suffering. They knew and understood my secret, my silent pain that I try to hide.  The words of compassion, wisdom, understanding & hope they have both given me is priceless. 
 
Tonight I kept my wits about me and only got mildly misty in the eyes as everyone stood forward and said heartfelt words about my friend.  Near the end of the evening, we chatted together a bit and she told me not to give up hope.  She said after her 4th loss, she felt like she couldn’t take anymore pain and was in such a dark place emotionally, that she just wanted to give up trying all together.  Then she said to me, but when you want something so bad, you never give… because it will happen.  And it did for her and her husband, naturally.  And then she went on to have twin girls after she had her son- naturally.  Life is funny sometimes.
 
I pray that I can grow to be half the woman she is in character, have half of her strength, half of her capacity to show compassion to others.  Tonight I was once again reminded of how amazing it is to be a woman and to know the bonds of love women can have for each other.  It’s a magical sort of thing.  I’m thankful she came into my life… or rather I came into hers. 
 
 
 

List Making

I haven’t written an entry in a long time.  I don’t really feel like writing a long post about what’s new, blah, because nothing is really going on in my life.  So I decided to sit down and make a list that I’ve had in my head for 4 years now.  The list is actually 2 lists:

What I did during the cycles where I got a BFP (big fat positive) that I think may have helped and…

What I did during cycles that didn’t result in a BFP, and what I think didn’t help.

HELPED

  • Yoga
  • Good sex
  • Fertility tea
  • Meditation and prayer
  • No caffeine
  • Moderate isolation and seclusion
  • A consistent daily schedule
  • A clear schedule
  • Drink lots of water
  • Use Preseed
  • Ovulation meds (half my bfps)
  • Positive attitude
  • Mental calm
  • Keeping my mind occupied
  • Using arnica gel
  • Talking to spirit baby
  • Maya abdominal massage
  • Chiropractor
  • Acupuncture around my period
  • Resting a lot

DIDN’T HELP

  • Fear
  • Not in the mood for sex
  • Bad cervical mucus
  • Giving up hope
  • Being too busy
  • Lack of exercise or too vigorous exercise
  • STRESS
  • Getting bad labwork results
  • Schedule too hectic
  • Not being at home
  • Restlessness
  • Fighting or arguing with spouse

 

So you can all take these for what they’re worth. Maybe they will help you, maybe they won’t. Feel free to add comments about what has worked for you. I just felt like I needed to type these lists out, so I can reflect on them, and refer back to them in future TTC endeavors.

 

Cheers

CD 6

Cycle Day 6 and my dear friend AF is coming to an end. It came, it saw, it conquered, and it was relatively uneventful. I find this surprisingly reassuring.

Now, what do I do next?

I think the answer is nothing… yet.

Under recommendations, I can’t do anything TTC-related until 6 months after my beta reached 0, which puts me into late-November. So that gives me a few months to get healthy and somewhat back to normal. Whatever the heck normal is.

I know I’ll change my mind a hundred times between now & then, so we’ll just see what tomorrow holds.

xx

CD 4 – say WHAT!

Ladies & Gentleman,

My period has arrived.  And it only took 151 days!  This is not exactly what I had envisioned happening when I went into my previous cycle with the RE back in February.  It has played out very differently indeed.

I have my OB to thank, for the Provera & also for the encouragement and kind words.  Dealing with a doctor & “nurse” staff who are less than compassionate for a year almost made me forget that there are some kind hearted caregivers out there. 

I really can’t express how much of a relief it is to be back on track again.  I have been living in this bizarre limbo for months now. It was discouraging me, big time.  For anyone who has had an ectopic pregnancy & received the Methotrexate shots, was your cycle wacky for months?  Looking back, I just wish the doctor would have told me what to expect, instead of me having to guess & asking other friends about their experiences.

I had been told by my OB/GYN that this AF (period) would be a little rough.  I told him I wasn’t too worried about it, seeing as I’ve been through some nasty shit in the last 4 years.  And I am happy to announce it has not been bad in the slightest! Today, I was on a long walk with my friend (and it was hot outside) and at the end I did get some sudden, harsh cramps. As soon as I got home, sat down and hydrated, everything was dandy.

One big change I did make was trying cloth pads. Weird, nasty, gross, whatever.  In my ongoing quest for a more eco-friendly life, I had been reading a lot of information about the chemicals (dioxins, bleach, fragrances) regular pads and tampons contain. So I decided whenever this AF finally arrived, I would try cloth pads exclusively.  (I had used them here & there in the past)  Luckily, I can sew so making my own was no issue.  Many women who made the switch report that their menstrual cramps have decreased tremendously & many had a lighter flow.  (I hate the word “flow”)

As for me? So far, so good.  And mentally I feel a lot better knowing I’m not cramming toxic waste up my J.   My reproductive system has enough issues on its own, without me adding to it 🙂

So here’s to a fresh cycle!

 

 

 

Uncertainty

I have a way of talking myself out of things.

I haven’t seen my Rheumatologist in… let’s see…over 2 years? I moved out of state and just never found a replacement doctor.  I’ve been putting it off for a variety of reasons. The biggest being I’ve been feeling pretty good, and haven’t seen a need.

After all, I was seeing my Reproductive Endocrinologist (emphasis on Endocrinologist) who I thought would be taking good care of me, as a whole, not just my reproductive system.  Well, that turned out to be a joke. After being dumped by the curb after my beta reached <4, I’ve really started to think about finding a caring doctor.

I can wholeheartedly admit that I am scared of doctors.  I am terrified to invest my time, money, heart, body, soul, essence into finding another one who will treat me like shit and jade me even further. But I do not want to live in fear anymore.

I attended a Resolve Fertility meeting last week and on the whole drive down to the city I was thinking about what my “topic” of discussion would be. I racked my brain for an hour and could not come up with one coherent thought. My thought process was along the lines of “what do you do, when you don’t know what to do” and “how do you cope with going through this journey alone.”  That sort of thing.

Anyway, so at the meeting I gave my update, which was non-existent, waiting for my period, yadda yadda, and then decided my discussion would be “how do you not live in fear.”  I broke down a little bit when I started to talk, just feeling a sense of desperation I guess.  How do you not get consumed by the fear? The fear of the unknown, the fear of another bad experience, the fear of another loss, the fear for my husband’s safety. It can be all-consuming at times.

I have to find a way, slowly, to deal with this fear in a constructive way.  I cannot let it continue to consume me. I just don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I am not good at being vulnerable. I am not good at trusting other people. Hell, I’m barely able to trust myself these days.  

I ran across a quote the other day that took me aback.

Never base your life decisions on advice from people who don’t have to deal with the results.

Wow.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  Sit and ponder that for awhile.

So if I can’t trust other people, and I don’t have the resources to always help myself, who the heck can I trust in this mad world?  Who will help me accomplish my goals?

So tomorrow I am making a step towards my well being and calling a Rheumy I have done a lot of research on.  Will he be a jackass?  Who knows. Will he be a pill-pushing treat you patients like an assembly line? I hope not.  But the only way I will know is if I go see him.

 

 

 

LOST

I’m feeling a bit uneasy this evening. I just need some relief, mentally & physically. I need my cycle to start so my mind can stop racing & I can move forward. I feel like I’m still walking around in this weird limbo ever since the ectopic. And it’s getting sort of old. It’s been 4 months for goodness sake.

I made a GYN appointment for this week, so fingers crossed something good comes from that.  I’d at least like to get some answers. The thing that pushed me over the edge today was when I was on my fertility support group page.  I decided to update my little blurb about myself, by adding the most recent “baby remembrance ticker” to my sidebar.  And had to write “Baby 4.”  If I can speak candidly – that’s sort of fucked up. And it made me a little sick.

That’s not something anyone should have to type. In the last 2 months or so, I haven’t really let myself think about my latest loss. I wouldn’t say I’ve purposefully avoided thinking about it, but so much other insane shit has been happening that that pain had to be put on the back burner. But when I typed that…it made me feel really sad & numb.

I always go back to a place of “maybe God is telling me…”  Here are some examples of what runs through me head:

Maybe God is telling me I’m not supposed to have a baby. And He keeps showing me over & over, but I’m not listening.

Maybe God is telling me to stop trying, because if He wanted me to have a baby, He wouldn’t let me lose so many.

Maybe God is telling me that this isn’t my lot in life. I am not meant to be a biological mother and bear a child.

I hate feeling so lost.

Ignorance is Bliss

I feel like the more I know, the less I want to know. 

I sometimes wish I could go back in time to the days of childhood, or even the teenage years, when I was pretty much clueless about real life. I would relish those times a little more if given the chance.  The older you get, the more you realize how F*ed up life can be.  You realize all your friends have F*ed up lives too, so that helps. No one is immune to struggle & drama.

That being said, recently some family issues have been brought to my attention that have been occurring over last 7 or so years. I had been kept in the dark for different reasons, including my parents not wanting to add additional burdens to me.  Well, that’s all fine and dandy but having almost a decade of steaming shit dropped onto your shoulders all at once is pretty intense, especially when this coincides with other life struggles (the ectopic, my dh being gone, etc). 

When I think about my fertility journey, I also find myself wishing I could go back in time before I was jaded and suffered so much loss.  I know that I’ll never experience pregnancy in that carefree, joyful way that I would have if my first pregnancy worked out.  I feel a little robbed of that joy, which makes my heart sad.  I’ve had a lot of time on my hands recently, due to a forced TTC break, and honestly I know my body needed this break.  I am exhausted in all aspects of life. I cannot imagine being pregnant and enduring the amount of stress I’ve endured the last couple months.

I change my mind daily about how to proceed with trying-to-conceive. One day I want to save for IVF at a clinic in another state. One day I just want to go visit the clinic for testing, but not worry about treatments because I’m not ready. One day I am scared to death to ever get pregnant again, then the next day I consider adoption. The fact that I don’t know what to do tells me I am not ready to make that sort of decision yet. 

I still know I’ll be a mom one day, but I’m not sure how it will all transpire. In the meantime, I continue to build my ever-changing baby hoard and learn as much as I can. When I’m not a sobbing, emotional mess, I spend time with my friends’ babies. But sometimes you just need a flipping break. My brain has been on drama-stress overload for too long, and so has my body. So it’s time to hit the reset button.

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